WARNING: Eating while hungover may impair judgment and objects may be tastier than they appear.

I feel like hell. Whoever decided it would be a good idea to drink for 5+ hours the night before having to wake up at 7 AM to go to work on a Saturday (vom) was seriously mistaken. Following my post-workday nap, it is now 9:45 pm and I feel surprisingly worse than I did this morning. Head pounding? Check. Dry mouth? Check. Empty stomach that is angry with you for drinking all that vodka/beer/red wine last night and punishing you with its violent rumbles? Check.

After a careful reassessment (read: briefly stumbling around the kitchen, haphazardly throwing open kitchen/cabinet/drawer doors), I realize I have zero rations to construct a satisfying meal at this hour of the night. My options are: a bowl of Honey Nut Oh’s (not only unappetizing, but milk + angry stomach = gut rot), something made with ingredients obtained exclusively from the 7-11 downstairs (fun maybe for a Top Chef challenge, but not so much fun for a Hungover Chef challenge), order Pizza Hut online for delivery (mmmm pizza). I picked the last option for a host of reasons: ordering online minimizes contact with others, I can keep laying here until a delivery man brings the food to my door, and, most importantly, deep fried pizza will definitely satisfy/quiet the pissed off tummy gods.

I know its gross, but I actually think Pizza Hut is pretty boss. It might be because it will always remind me of celebrating team victories when I was younger, or how they had that Book It program that would give out Personal Pan pizza coupons as a reward for reading books in elementary school. It might also be because Pizza Huts are virtually extinct in New York City/Long Island now. Every free standing Pizza Hut restaurant in my hometown has closed and Pizza Huts are now relegated to the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express (aka Stoner Heaven) combos. Consequently, I have been without Pizza Hut for a couple of years now, and view it as a happy surprise treat whenever I see them on roadtrips, visits to other cities, etc.

But since moving to DC 6 months ago, I now live 5 blocks from one (!!). I’ve had P’Hut 3 times (all hungover, mind you) since I moved. Each time, I got the same thing:a medium Pan pizza that is half cheese and half pepperoni. Tonight, however, I have decided to try something different and get one of their new Pizza Mia pizzas that I suspect they are marketing to compete with the Domino’s 5-5-5 deal. When it arrived, I wasn’t expecting much for my $6.99 ($5 if I would have gotten 3) pizza.

I mean, it’s Pizza Hut. Yea, its heaven when you’re drunk/stoned/in another country that has weird food that keeps angering the stomach gods … but under normal circumstances, the Hut wouldn’t be one of my top dining choices. But it was nearing 10 o’clock on a Saturday night; I was hungover, hungry and desperate.

Upon first inspection, the Pizza Mia was pretty underwhelming. Although it did look similar to one of my favorite types of pizza, Singa’s … smallish size, relatively thin crust, standard cheese and sauce layers … it didn’t even come close. But, it was better than I expected. The ad boasts that the pizza is made with “whole milk mozzarella cheese with a hint of cheddar, and vine-ripened California tomatoes” … umm, not sure any of this is really true but the cheese does have a certain zing (maybe cheddar?) that is distinct from the milky blandness of the cheese that comes on the regular Pan versions. The sauce is sweeter (but not in an overly gross way) than expected but coupled with the new cheese, it somehow works. The crust is pretty unremarkable, but again, there’s something about it that I kinda like. It’s definitely better than a Boboli or frozen pizza crust, not to mention way better than P’Hut’s arch nemesis, Domino’s. It is more chewy, than crisp (which is to be expected, judging from its looks and the fact that it comes from a conveyer belt oven) with a nice and satisfying bready taste.

All in all, ordering the Pizza Mia was kind of like bringing home a guy while wearing Beer Goggles: regrettable enough to deter you from making it a regular habit, but satisfying enough for you to do it under impaired circumstances.