Snarky’s Eggs-cellent Salad

Egg salad has always been one of my favorite things to eat — not the gross gloppy mess you see behind the deli counter, but the good homemade stuff that Mom used to make. As a decidedly simple concept (eggs+mayo), making egg salad isn’t rocket science yet most attempts end up in disastrous results. Too often egg salad gets a bad rap because its so easy to screw up. Some egg salad pitfalls include (but are certainly not limited to):

• being too mayonnaise-y: its egg salad, not egg-flavored mayo
• having the consistency of wallpaper paste: great for making a sandwich fort, but not so great when you’re using them for eating
• being tasteless
• being rubbery: most commonly caused by overcooking the eggs — yes, just because they are hard-boiled doesn’t mean they can’t be overcooked.

Cooking eggs can be tricky, since you obviously can’t see shit through an eggshell and every person has their own idea of what works. One friend (who shall remain nameless) confessed to boiling her eggs for 13 minutes. Sigh, hopefully this recipe helps all of the egg-salad impaired out there. This recipe makes enough for 2 sizeable sandwiches.

4 extra large eggs
1 small to medium-sized shallot, minced
1/2 celery rib, minced
1 t. dijon mustard
1/2 t. lemon juice
3 T. mayonnaise
salt and pepper to taste

1. Arrange eggs in a single layer in a medium-sized pot and cover with 1 in. of cold water. On high heat, bring the eggs and water to a boil. Once boiling, cover the pot and remove from the heat. Keep covered for 10 minutes and voilà perfectly cooked eggs! For easy peeling, drain eggs and return to the pot. Cover and shake to crack egg shells, then immerse eggs in ice water so they retract from their shells.

2. Mash 2 whole eggs with a fork, making sure to maintain sizeable pieces of egg (unless you’re going for a gross baby food consistency, in which case, mash away). Cut the remaining eggs (I like to do these sans yolks to feel healthier, but you can leave them in if you like your egg salad really yellow) into a 1/2 in. dice. I like doing it this way because then its kinda chunky, but not too chunky.

3. Add the remaining ingredients and lightly mix together with a fork. Salt and pepper to taste.

4. If you’re feeling sassy, this recipe can serve as the base for any number of egg salad variations:

• Spicy Curry Award: leave out the mustard, and sprinkle in a bit of curry powder to taste
• Bacon and Scallion: replace shallot with 1 diced scallion and add crumbled bacon bits
• Deviled Egg Salad: add 1 T. of sweet pickle relish and add paprika to taste
• I Rike-ah Egg Sarad: replace dijon mustard with half a packet of Chinese mustard from your last takeout venture and a squirt of Sriracha for some heat

This egg salad is good for a couple of days if you keep it covered in the fridge, but I’m pretty sure that you’ll probably just make 2 sandwiches and eat them before you’re even done reading this sentence.