Mincing shallots, not words.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 7

Rise and shine, cheftestants! Everyone is sad (including me) that Ryan is gone. Andrew says something smart for once, and comments on the skyrocketing level of fugliness now that Ryan’s good looks aren’t around to up the average. The chefs are starting to realize that eliminations don’t necessarily have a rhyme or reason to them. All the chefs agree that your only mistake could be your last. Sometimes Chef Tom has PMS and he doesn’t have time for all their bullshit coulda, shoulda, wouldas.

Speaking of failures, the chefs are off to get their Quickfire Challenge, which proves to be a difficult one. The chefs walk into the Top Chef kitchen and I feel like I’ve died and gone to Hoss Heaven. There are cakes and treats piled onto a long table, and standing in front of it is the God of dessert heaven, Johnny Iuzzini (exec pastry chef for Jean-Georges).

Padma announces that the chefs must cook a dessert to win immunity and the chance to be featured in the Top Chef Cookbook! I have to admit, that I already knew who won this one before it even started because someone got me the Top Chef Cookbook for my birthday. Everyone is crapping their pants because making desserts is hard, not to mention it’s been the downfall of many chefs from seasons past. I’m shocked when most of the cheftestants produce passable desserts, that actually look pretty good. Dale decides to go back to his roots and make halo-halo (!!) and I scream with delight because I totally love me some mix-mix. Halo-halo is basically a snowcone on crack — a clusterf*ck of random shit that Filipinos throw over shaved ice that white people probably think is ga-ross, but it tastes delish. He didn’t use any of the traditional technicolor accoutrements, but I give Dale props for bringing an old school Filipino dish to national TV.

Halo Halo, what what

Dessert God announces his favorites are Richard, Dale (yay!) and Lisa. The only contestant from Season 4 who is in the Top Chef Cookbook is … Richard! Dessert God loved his unique banana scallops with banana guacamole. Only weirdo Richard Wonka would think of something crazy like that.

Deep Sea … Bananas?

Padma tells the cheftestants that they are getting the night off to watch an improv show at The Second City in hopes that it will inspire them for the next Elimination Challenge. The chefs are pumped to change into real clothes and have a night out on the town. Clearly, none of them have watched a season of Top Chef before because if they had, they would know that a “night out on the town” really means “get ready to be bent over by some surprise challenge that you won’t be ready for because you don’t watch enough Top Chef.” I mean, HELLOOOO? Does anyone remember last season when Casey cried because she thought she was going clubbing in Miami, but then ended up having to cook in a traveling Winnebago kitchen for drunk kids OUTSIDE the club in her heels and skanky shirt? These chefs are idiots. They should know never to take off their floppy chef hats, because the second they do –BAM! Padma will bitchsmack you. PS I wish they really made them wear floppy chef hats, because that shit would be funny. Like improv Second City funny.

Laugh it up, clowns.

Everyone is kicking back, enjoying a nice night out with friends at the comedy club. They are all yukking it up, when the comics get to the “audience participation” portion of the show. It’s like on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where they let the crowd pick out what they’re gonna do! The chefs are really enjoying themselves, as the crowd shouts out suggestions for the Second City categories: a color, an emotion and an ingredient. I can hear the hamster wheels start turning in Nikki’s head, and she knows right away that it has something to do with their Elimination Challenge. Andrew still looks clueless because the hamsters are on a smoke break. Thankfully, the Second City girl is nice enough to spell it out for the slow ones when she announces that the cheftestants are going to be the ones doing the improvising when they cook a 5-course meal using the audience’s answers for the comics and the judges.

The chefs pair up amongst themselves and draw courses out of Spike’s magical hat. There aren’t any surprising match-ups as everyone picks to work with people they get along with. Obvs that means Andrew and Spike are working together since they share a love for douchebaggery and Borat impressions.

The shenanigans don’t stop as the chefs head to the Top Chef kitchen to begin prepping their courses. They assume that they will be serving their courses in the Top Chef kitchen because tricky Padma and Co. have set up a dining table in the middle of the room. Spike is pumped because he finally gets to make soup! Antonia and I communicate telepathically when she announces that if Spike wins with his stupid soup, she is going to vom in her mouth. Then Dale realizes that all the electrical appliances have been removed and Team Vanilla Love has to put a little elbow grease into their soup, by using a hand-cranked ricer to puree the squash. Richard II and Stephanie barely notice because they are busy building penises out of asparagus.

Their final surprise comes when Chef Tom announces they need to pack up all their shit because dinner will be served at the Top Chef house, NOT the kitchen. The chefs are not pleased because their kitchen only has 6 burners (wah wah) and there is no space to cook.

The way I got into improv was …

Yellow, Love, Vanilla
Members: Andrew & Spike
Elimination Dish: vanilla squash soup

Margenta, Drunk, Polish Sausage
Members: Lisa & Antonia
Elimination Dish: sea bass, chorizo, purple potato

Orange, Turned On, Asparagus
Members: Richard II & Stephanie
Elimination Dish: menage a trois of orange, goat cheese & asparagus

Purple, Depressed, Bacon
Members: Mark & Nikki
Elimination Dish: roasted pork loin

Green, Perplexed, Tofu
Members: Richard & Dale
Elimination Dish: green curry grilled tofu

Annoyingly, Team Vanilla Love is selected as one of the judges’ favorite, joining the all-stars of Team Green. The judges loved Team Vanilla Love’s squash soup and gave it bowl-licking rave reviews. Not surprisingly, Richard and Dale are awarded the top spot with their tofu in green curry that swang both ways (meat or veggie?). I mean, they rendered beef fat and dredged tofu in it so obvs they were gonna win. They were the only team that really embraced their Second City inspiration words, and as a hardcore carnivore, the fact that I wanted to eat that dish really says something.

Menage a Blah                                Bisexual Tofu

My favorite presentation was Team Orange, Turned On, Asparagus because Stephanie totally sold goat cheese like a phone sex operator and Richard II saying SEX-tions was so awkward that I giggled. Apparently, the judges weren’t as amused as I was by their comedic presentation, as they placed Team OTOA in the bottom two. They were unimpressed with their soggy bread balls, and I wasn’t surprised after seeing the other teams’ dishes that they ended up there. Lisa and Antonia were on Team Drunk, Magenta, Polish Sausage and so naturally made Chilean sea bass on top of chorizo. Then they took a shot of tequila and didn’t offer anyone else any. Awkward. Maybe if they had sauced up their dinner guests a little more they wouldn’t have noticed that they didn’t use any of their Second City words. They joined Richard II and Stephanie in the Loser’s Circle. The awkwardness continued as Richard II and Stephanie bumbled their way through their explanation of the phallic presentation to the judges. With Richard II’s upward thrusting hand motion, Johnny Iuzzini provided us with the quote of the night: “The asparagus were meant to be erect?” To make matters worse, they continued to talk about the bread (complete with more suggestive hand gesturing) and I went hoarse screaming “That’s what she said!” at the television.

Sadly, Jen (The Chef Formerly Known As Richard II) was sent home for conceptualizing Team OTOA’s weak dish. I think Jen left us too soon, and I’m sad that we won’t be able to see how her cooking would have progressed had she gone further. She got the highest praise from our boy Dale when he said he would “get scared” when she cooked because she was so good. I don’t think Dale is quick to hand out compliments, so I trust him when he says she had game. With the field narrowing, I hope that the level of cooking and bitchfights increases exponentially. Spike, Nikki and Mark are still flying under the radar by boring us to death with their mediocre preparations and lackluster skill. At this point in the game, Richard and Dale have separated themselves from the others with their gutsy dishes and unique styles. It’s clear that these two are the ones to beat. But like Richard II said in her parting confessional, they’re both going to have to work hard if they expect to finish on top.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAIDDDDD!!!

I went to Bistrot Du Coin last weekend for dinner after passing it countless times on my way to and from the Metro without even looking in the windows, and was totally shocked that it even existed so close to my apartment. The food was decent enough for the price and Du Coin’s atmosphere is like that of a traditional bistro, bustling with energy and loud. With its high ceilings and funky French decor, its easy to forget that you just walked in from the streets of Dupont. If you’re looking for a place to grab a drink and a quick meal, Bistrot Du Coin delivers when it comes to the typical bistro favorites like pots of mussels and plates of steak frites. Which leads me to the frites — totally addictive, and the shining star of the entire meal.

Hot, crisp and perfectly salted … Du Coin doesn’t mess around when it comes to the frites. Try them with a side of the house’s homemade mayo if you really wanna get serious. In addition to the frites, I got a small order of the Moules Mariniéres (a simple preparation of mussels steamed in white wine, with onions, shallots and parsley), and my friend got the Moules Roquefort (mussels in a creamy Roquefort sauce). At $8.25 for a small order of around 15-20 medium-sized mussels, this meal was easy on the wallet and totally worth the noise and intimate (read: super-close) set-up of the tables. It also helped me ignore the creepy oversized Santa doll that guards the entryway and row of plushy snowmen above the coat rack (in April).

We went at kind of an off time (6:30 pm on a Sunday night … a dining time usually reserved for senior citizens and children under the age of 6) and didn’t have to wait for a table, but by the time we left dinner it was a crowded and boisterous scene with great people watching. They also have some pretty good deals if you want to drink wine by the glass, at anywhere between $5-8 for whatever the house wines are that night. However, the glasses are pretty tiny and if you’re not dining alone you’re probably better off just getting a half bottle or carafe. Since we were having mussels, I had a Hoengaarden (a Belgian white beer) which was pretty good but definitely came in a wimpy glass for the $6.50 price tag.

Overall, because of its convenient location I would probably put Bistrot Du Coin on my list of regular dives for impromptu dining but wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way if it required a trek, unless you are planning on having a dinner of frites with a side of mayo … then by all means, trek.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 6

All the Top Chefs are shaken up from last night’s elimination because obvs talentless Spike was the better candidate to go home, but Zoi’s seasoning snafu was enough for her to get the boot. Spike thinks people are threatened by him (and his hats — AHHHH!!) and isn’t surprised that all the other cheftestants have been gossiping about him. Lisa doesn’t want confrontations in this competition (ha!) and confronts Dale about their amazing blowout from last week’s episode. She wants him to come to her if he has a problem because they need to be civil if they are going to be living together in the same house. Clearly, Lisa has never lived in a sorority house. It’s possible that Dale has, as he takes a page out of the Mean Girls handbook and gives Lisa a backhanded apology. Dale is sorry. Sorry that Lisa is such a negative bitch. Lisa says Dale can eff himself as far as she’s concerned. Rawr. The claws are out already and I’ve been watching for approximately 2 minutes.

Bro Sodas

I doubt that this episode can be better than last week’s but am excited at the level of bitchiness this early in the show. Then we get to the Quickfire Challenge and I see beer, glorious beer!! Padma and the guest judge, Koren Grieveson (of Avec) are standing behind 16 pitchers of beer. It reminds me of Dollar Pitcher night and I feel a familiar pang of nostalgia for college life. She announces this week’s Quickfire Challege is to create a simple dish that can pair perfectly with beer. The chefs are instructed to taste 3 beers before choosing one. A choice quote from Bravo’s Burning Questions Blog, epitomizes why we all love Dale:

“For me the most important part of conquering the beer challenge was my massive hangover from the night before. At that point the last thing i wanted to do was drink beer, but like at work you got to man up and get the job done.”

I’m glad that they all get hammered in the holding room before Judges’ Table, which could explain why there have been so many awesome blowouts this season and the use of the f-bomb has grown exponentially from in the past 3 years.

Richard II is still reeling from Zoi’s elimination and is cooking with a newfound passion. She wants to do well in the competition for her lady love. All the emotion seems to be helping, as her Shrimp & Scallop Beignets earn her the top spot and immunity in this week’s Elimination Challenge. Richard and Stephanie join her to round out the Quickfire’s Top 3. Koren’s least favorite dishes belong to Nikki, Spike (shocker) and Dale. Lisa gloats over Dale’s uncharacteristic stint in the Bottom 3 because she’s an annoying whore. Spike sarcastically cheers for lesbians after Richard II’s win and joins Lisa on her bitter bandwagon.

Padma announces the Elimination Challenge is to cook at a tailgate for Chicago Bears fans, and I get pumped again because I LOVE tailgating. Except I went to a Big 10 school and tailgating did not involve cooking, and consisted of chugging/funneling/shotgunning cheap beer and the only food you ate came from the hot dog vendors outside the stadium or things you could buy on your Mcard. At the football game you stood in the student section on the bleachers, which seemed to rock beneath your feet (much like trying to stand up in a canoe), trying not to vom up the aforementioned snacks.

The cheftestants head to Whole Foods to shop for ingredients and Dale is feeling confident because he is a Chicago native who loves sports and tailgating. Not surprisingly, Richard the Nerd has never been to a tailgate and has no idea what to cook. While everyone else is being a considerate human, Spike runs over a grandma with a walker and runs like a girl to the meat counter so that he can buy up all the chicken wings, which is the most obvious tailgating dish ever. Ryan declares his metrosexualness and admits to being more fashion and dancing than beer and sports. I knew he was too cute to like girls.

Speaking of questionable sexuality, in the next scene Mark and Spike are in the (hot) tub, poppin’ bubbly. Shockingly enough, none of the girls want to join them and Antonia thinks the bubbles and Korbel reek of bad porn.

The next morning, the cheftestants are off to Chicago’s Soldier Field to cook for the big game. After last night’s Brokeback Bathroom shenanigans, Mark needs to prove his manhood. He brags about his testicular fortitude and is the only REAL MAN (read: idiot) to choose a charcoal grill at the tailgate.

The Annexation of Puerto Rico

Stephanie
Elimination Dish: pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad
Game Highlight: Called Ryan a full-of-shit schmoozer guy and announced that she wasn’t there to be pretty pansy like him.

Dale
Elimination Dish: baby back ribs marinated in tandoori, potato salad with raisins and mango
Game Highlight: Gawked like a little boy when he met famous Chicago Bears legends, Richard Dent, Gale Sayers and Refrigerator Perry.

Spike
Elimination Dish: jicama & pineapple slaw with lime dressing & fire spice chicken wings
Game Lowlight: Chose to employ the same gameplan from the Block Party challenge and win the crowd over with his “charisma,” but fails miserably because he’s a moron.

Antonia
Elimination Dish: jerk chicken sandwich with pickled onion, banana & pineapple
Game Highlight: Won points with the judges for taking a tropical twist on her Carribean-inspired chicken sandwich.

Ryan
Elimination Dish: bread salad with marinated chicken; poached pear & brandy cocoa
Game Lowlight: Decided to serve the most ridiculous tailgating food that was both difficult to eat, and had the ability to turn the manliest Bears fan into a flaming homosexual upon eating.

Andrew
Elimination DIsh: glazed shrimp with potato parsnip puree, bacon & apple chutney
Game Highlight: Wore a helmet while he cooked because food is his game and he’s a tard.

Richard II
Elimination Dish: chicken marinated with harissa & quinoa tabouli
Game Highlight: Cooked a Greek-inspired dish for her girl, Zoi.

Nikki
Elimination Dish: sausage & peppers, grilled shrimp with hot sauce & spiced cider
Game Lowlight: Retardedly gave away all her food to the fans and didn’t save any peppers or onions for the judges.

Lisa
Elimination Dish: skirt steak with corn cake & salsa verde
Game Highlight: Beating her meat. Hmm … too easy.

Richard
Elimination Dish: pate melt with spicy mayo and pickled cucumber
Game Highlight: His “pat-tay melt” was slightly more hetero than Ryan’s dish.

Mark
Elimination Dish: chicken & scallion skewers with soy & onion glaze, new zealand corn chowder
Game Lowlight: Was a total disaster as he bumbled and spilled his way around the grilling station.

Stephanie, Antonia and Dale are announced as the Top 3 at the Judges’ Table after receiving the most praise from the fans at the tailgate. They loved Stephanie’s rosemary vinagrette and her combination of flavors. Antonia’s dish was praised for her use of banana and pineapple to compliment her chicken sandwich. Ultimately, Dale’s Tandoori-inspired ribs had the complexity and unique depth of flavor to win the Elimination Challenge. Eat it, Lisa.

           Fumblerooski                 I’m gonna score a Touchdown!

The crowd chose the offerings of Nikki, Mark and Ryan as their least favorite dishes. No one is surprised that Nikki is on the chopping block since she ran out of food and her sausage and pepper sandwiches were dry. The judges criticize the fact that she didn’t make her own sausage, even tho’ Richard the Wonder Boy made his own pate (which is basically the same thing sans casing) in the alotted time. Like the viewers and tailgaters, the judges are confused about Ryan’s dish choices. Who eats bread salad and poached pears at a TAILGATE? Clearly, Ryan did not go to a college that had sports or girls, but probably had a whole lot of “California flair.” Chef Tom thought the heavy sauce on Mark’s chicken skewers was unsuccessful along with his gritty New Zealand chowder. They also didn’t enjoy his shithole of a work station or his unsanitary serving tactics. (Double dipping the soup spoon! Ewwww!)

In the end, inappropriate dish choices and his overall crappy tasting food sent Ryan packing. I’m actually going to miss Ryan because he was cute, in a dumb puppy sort of way, but nonetheless entertaining. I would take his metroness over Spike’s magical hats any day.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 5

The best part of this episode was clearly the end clip picked up off the cutting room floor and gloriously offered up for dessert to all of us hungry (rabid, even) Top Chef fans.  Whomever decided to put booze in the stewing room during judges’ table is my new hero.   Belligerence is totally my middle name.  Snarky Belligerence Chef.

This week’s Quickfire Challenge is an old Top Chef favorite: the blind taste test.  The chefs’ palates are put to the test when the contestants are asked to pick out the 15 high quality ingredients when put beside their low budget counterparts.  The ingredients ranged from uber-expensive caviar to low-grade maple syrup.  This Quickfire totally reminded me of the time my cousins made up a “club” and entry to said “club” was gained after potential club member ate something (prepared by Cool Kids Club, Membership: 2) while blindfolded.  Members argued that this ritual was necessary in order to prove “trust” and “blind faith” to the sisterhood.  I got in (albeit on a technicality since I barfed which was against the club charter or something) because I cried and my aunt made them.  Luckily, Antonia didn’t have to drink a mayo-shrimp paste-mango-tabasco milkshake (like I did) to get into her club (the Quickfire Challenge Winners Club).  Surprisingly, Stephanie’s palate is declared the worst even though she has won the most Elimination Challenges, so her taste buds must not be completely dead.

The chefs are asked to choose knives and are divided up into 4 teams inspired by the elements and Captain Planet (’cept on Captain Planet they called it Wind instead of Air and they taught viewers a lesson in environmental awareness not self-promoting douchebaggery).  Each team is instructed to make a first course dish inspired by the team element for the 80 guests at Chicago’s Celebrity Chef Meals on Wheels Fundraiser.    

The teams are given 15 minutes to conceptualize their dishes before they head off to Whole Foods to shop with their $500 budget.  Team Fire is effed.  They are all over the place and decide to wing it after realizing another team is using beef tenderloin.  Morale is low for Team Fire, as Dale and Stephanie throw out a ton of fiery ideas only to be shot down by whiny Lisa.  Dale doesn’t want to be obvious, and suggests they show how caliente they can be by preparing a spicy dish.  Lisa hates everything and everyone.  I’m waiting with bated breath for Dale to go ballistic on her ass, but am forced to wait a little longer. 

By Your Powers Combined, I am

 
Team Earth
Members: Antonia, Spike, Zoi
Elimination Dish: Beef Carpaccio with Mushroom Salad and Sunchoke Aioli

Team Fire
Members: Dale, Lisa, Stephanie
Elimination Dish: Grilled Shrimp with Pickled Chili Salad, Deviled Aioli, and Miso-Smoked Bacon

Team Air
Members: Jennifer, Nikki, Ryan
Elimination Dish: Duck Breast with Citrus Salad and Shot of Pomogranate Prosecco

Team Water
Members: Andrew, Mark, Richard
Elimination Dish: Salmon Sous Vide with Parsnip Vanilla Sauce

I was confused by alot of the teams’ choices and how they interpreted their assigned elements.  Seriously, Team Air?  Let’s cook duck because they can flyyy … in the AIR!!  Wheeee!!  And prosecco has bubbles!  How airy!!  I mean, Team Airhead was headed up by Ryan (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) and Richard II, who has more lift in her hairstyle than in her cooking abilities but I was still so underwhelmed.  I won’t even talk about how Richard’s head exploded when he connected all the dots and came up with the idea to cook fish in water.  Genius!!

One team that was on point, surprisingly ended up being Team Fire.  The judges loved their spicy shrimp, which was hot but not too hot for a first course.  In an even more shocking turn of events, LISA is declared the winner.  I’m with Dale, she made effing bacon.  Dale should have won because the dish was his idea, and also because he managed not to butcher Lisa beside the meat counter (see what I did there?  Butcher like the guy who cuts the meat!! Wheeee!! I’m so clever like Ryan and Richard.)  Even though guest judge, Ming Tsai, claims the bacon is what made the dish, I’m calling BS like the rest of the world.  Lisa sucks.

Boo Earth.                                             Yay Fire!

Needless to say, the judges are equally dumbfounded by some of the team choices and berate the bottom 2 teams, Earth and Water, for missing the mark.  Chef Tom isn’t a fan of Team Water’s salmon sous vide which lacked texture and had scales (!!) or Team Earth’s underseasoned carpacchio.  The judges are unimpressed with Team Water’s sloppy preparation of ingredients and Team Earth’s bland dish and unearthy ingredients.  Team Earth’s carpaccio is flavorless sans the assload of rosemary that Zoi threw in with her mushrooms which the judges are totally not feeling. 

In the end, Zoi is asked to pack her knives even though Tom Colicchio wishes he could send Spike home too for being a complacent moron.  Ughh, Spike has been in the bottom for the past 3 episodes and is saved each time because someone is always just a little crappier than him.  He is like Ann from ANTM except Ann didn’t have hideous hats and look like a used car salesman.  After a sweet goodbye between Richard II and Zoi (see, I do have a heart) and a nice shot of Zoi packing her knives, the real fun begins!

Bravo abruptly cuts to a clip of the holding room, where everyone is going caaahhh-raaaazzzyy [fast forward to 4:17 in the video].  Spike has a tantrum like a small child and lashes out at Antonia for refusing to make soup.  Antonia wants him to STAND BEHIND [HIS] DISH and (correctly) points out that she did say she would make soup if thats what the team wanted.  Spike and his crazy hats suck.  Maybe his hats are what are saving him??  Like Bret Michaels’ bandannas and Dumbo’s red feather?!  Richard II is piiiisssseeed  that Spike threw her wifey under the bus, and Spike maturely tells her to “cry over it all night long.”  Then Dale calls out Spike’s “weak shit” and Lisa jumps down his throat for being an instigator.  I love Dale for defending Antonia from Spike’s dumb finger wagging and false accusations.  Also for what he does next, which is completely LOSE HIS SHIT on Lisa, while emphasizing his batshit craziness with a signature MJ crotch grab and karate chops.  Hiiii-yah! 

Sigh.  Aaaannnddd I’m spent.

Mmmm cupcakes.  Everyone loves them.  Okay, maybe not everyone but the people who hate cupcakes are the same people who hate puppies, hugs, mixtapes and laughter. 

Today, I stumbled across these cupcakes on Dorie Greenspan’s blog and squealed like a little girl.  It’s embarassing but I’m weirdly obsessed with panda bears.  Half because they are such lazy cuddle monsters and half because that was my nickname in college.  I used to do somersaults in the hallways.  Umm, for fun?  (Sidenote: I was/am a fan of the drink.)  These agile acrobatics were referred to as “panda rolls,” and from that the Panda nickname was born.  Also, I’m Asian and my friends are racist. 

Penguins are also cool but only because pandas + penguins = PANDENGUINS.  Once, my roommate drew me a birthday card and there was a pandenguin on the front of it.  I wish I still had it so I could show everyone what it would look like if a penguin and a panda did the nasty.  But, I digress.

Sooo, these little bundles of edible cuteness all come from the book, Hello Cupcake! which is full of great ideas for jazzing up your cupcakes.  Also, I saw it on Martha Stewart and she knows her shit … you know, from being in the clink.

I feel like hell. Whoever decided it would be a good idea to drink for 5+ hours the night before having to wake up at 7 AM to go to work on a Saturday (vom) was seriously mistaken. Following my post-workday nap, it is now 9:45 pm and I feel surprisingly worse than I did this morning. Head pounding? Check. Dry mouth? Check. Empty stomach that is angry with you for drinking all that vodka/beer/red wine last night and punishing you with its violent rumbles? Check.

After a careful reassessment (read: briefly stumbling around the kitchen, haphazardly throwing open kitchen/cabinet/drawer doors), I realize I have zero rations to construct a satisfying meal at this hour of the night. My options are: a bowl of Honey Nut Oh’s (not only unappetizing, but milk + angry stomach = gut rot), something made with ingredients obtained exclusively from the 7-11 downstairs (fun maybe for a Top Chef challenge, but not so much fun for a Hungover Chef challenge), order Pizza Hut online for delivery (mmmm pizza). I picked the last option for a host of reasons: ordering online minimizes contact with others, I can keep laying here until a delivery man brings the food to my door, and, most importantly, deep fried pizza will definitely satisfy/quiet the pissed off tummy gods.

I know its gross, but I actually think Pizza Hut is pretty boss. It might be because it will always remind me of celebrating team victories when I was younger, or how they had that Book It program that would give out Personal Pan pizza coupons as a reward for reading books in elementary school. It might also be because Pizza Huts are virtually extinct in New York City/Long Island now. Every free standing Pizza Hut restaurant in my hometown has closed and Pizza Huts are now relegated to the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express (aka Stoner Heaven) combos. Consequently, I have been without Pizza Hut for a couple of years now, and view it as a happy surprise treat whenever I see them on roadtrips, visits to other cities, etc.

But since moving to DC 6 months ago, I now live 5 blocks from one (!!). I’ve had P’Hut 3 times (all hungover, mind you) since I moved. Each time, I got the same thing:a medium Pan pizza that is half cheese and half pepperoni. Tonight, however, I have decided to try something different and get one of their new Pizza Mia pizzas that I suspect they are marketing to compete with the Domino’s 5-5-5 deal. When it arrived, I wasn’t expecting much for my $6.99 ($5 if I would have gotten 3) pizza.

I mean, it’s Pizza Hut. Yea, its heaven when you’re drunk/stoned/in another country that has weird food that keeps angering the stomach gods … but under normal circumstances, the Hut wouldn’t be one of my top dining choices. But it was nearing 10 o’clock on a Saturday night; I was hungover, hungry and desperate.

Upon first inspection, the Pizza Mia was pretty underwhelming. Although it did look similar to one of my favorite types of pizza, Singa’s … smallish size, relatively thin crust, standard cheese and sauce layers … it didn’t even come close. But, it was better than I expected. The ad boasts that the pizza is made with “whole milk mozzarella cheese with a hint of cheddar, and vine-ripened California tomatoes” … umm, not sure any of this is really true but the cheese does have a certain zing (maybe cheddar?) that is distinct from the milky blandness of the cheese that comes on the regular Pan versions. The sauce is sweeter (but not in an overly gross way) than expected but coupled with the new cheese, it somehow works. The crust is pretty unremarkable, but again, there’s something about it that I kinda like. It’s definitely better than a Boboli or frozen pizza crust, not to mention way better than P’Hut’s arch nemesis, Domino’s. It is more chewy, than crisp (which is to be expected, judging from its looks and the fact that it comes from a conveyer belt oven) with a nice and satisfying bready taste.

All in all, ordering the Pizza Mia was kind of like bringing home a guy while wearing Beer Goggles: regrettable enough to deter you from making it a regular habit, but satisfying enough for you to do it under impaired circumstances.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 4

Wowww, this episode was so fun! Let’s just forget for a second that all of these cheftestants are morons and picked like the worst movies ever, but still … the Elimination Challenge was bosstastic. Personally, if I were competing I would have presented a talking can of mixed veggies and for dessert humped a fridge. (Who gets this movie reference? Anyone?? Bueller? … Bueller? If you do (because you’re ace), feel free to leave your favorite quote from said movie in the comments section.)

After last week’s show which gave me the zzz’s, this week we got to see a little bit of everyone’s personality (or lack thereof). The show opens up AGAIN with everyone complaining about the Scissor Sisters. They have an advantage blah blah blah and Richard II and Zoi are trying to be respectful and keep their distance yada yada yada. Spike gives his weekly comment about lesbians and skeezes everyone out with his shifty eyes and veiled sexual innuendos.

The contestants enter the Top Chef kitchen to see Daniel Boulud (!!!) –of Daniel and Bar Boulud fame– who is like the Mack Daddy of the culinary world. Daniel believes the most important foundation for a chef is technique because with technique you can’t accomplish great cooking. In order to highlight the cheftestants’ technique, they are asked to create a veggie plate demonstrating 3 culinary techniques for the Quickfire Challenge. 90% of them panic and scramble around the kitchen in an effort to disguise their lack of knife skills and classical training. Everyone except Dale, Zoi and Richard present DANIEL BOULUD with glorified vegetable garnishes and as a result they are chosen as his top three. Dale presents a ridiculous looking vegan sashimi platter with daikon marinated in Tobanjan (spicy miso bean sauce), and a tournée of avocado and cucumber. As one of the few that understood the challenge, his dish looked like beautiful vegetable origami while everyone else took a crap on a plate and topped it off with a parsley sprig.

Veggie Art.                            Veggie Fart.

After Dale is awarded immunity, the chefs are given an AWESOME Elimination Challenge: prepare a 6-course meal for film critic, Richard Roeper’s dinner party for actress/tv star Aisha Tyler. Aisha Tyler … actress and tv star? IMDb tells me her accomplishments include (but are certainly not limited to): The Santa Clause 2 AND 3, Balls of Fury, something called Meet Market, and my personal favorite, the role of “Woman with Weave” in Dancing in September. I mean, I guess she also played Joey’s girlfriend for like a couple of episodes on Friends (the one that Ross also liked who was a paleontology prof) and was in 24 (I think I am the only person ever who doesn’t watch this). But lets be honest, Aisha Tyler is totally with Kathy Griffin on the D-list.

The chefs draw knives and are paired up according to what number course they’ll be making. Dale receives a Quickfire winner perk and gets to choose what course he’ll be working on. He chooses to cook the first course with Andrew and Richard (probs mostly for Richard and not-so-much for Andrew’s beautiful falsetto singing voice and winning personality). Andrew makes a stupid comment about how Dale is the third wheel and is the “weak choosing the strong” which makes no sense considering all of them just got schooled by him in the Quickfire. Also, Andrew is a douchebag (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before).

The most entertaining duo, is obviously Babyface Ryan and New Zealand Mark who have exactly zero things in common. As Babyface lists off his favorite movies (Dumb and Dumber, Old School), and Mark lists off his (waahhh wahhhh wahhhh — translation: Crazy Bad, Mad Max, Bad Boy Bubby) — it becomes blatantly obvious that Ryan’s gf is probs a teenybopper and New Zealanders know crap about movies. How come nobody picked a NORMAL movie? They all picked foreign films or rando movies that had nothing to do with their dishes. For a second I missed Valerie the Gnome who could have chosen Ratatouille and dressed up as Remy the rat, except Remy def was better at cooking than her. Speaking of dress up, I wish Dale and Richard would have let Andrew dress up as an Oompa Loompah to present their dish but nooooo they thought it was too “tongue in cheek” and “kitschy” (which are nice ways of saying “f*cking retarded”).

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

First Course: smoked salmon with faux cavier & white chocolate wasabi sauce; pear and celery soda “Fizzy Lifting Drink”
Movie Inspiration: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
Team Members: Andrew, Richard and Dale

Second Course: summer roll with black vermicelli, green apple, Chilean sea bass & swiss chard
Movie Inspiration: Good Morning, Vietnam
Team Members: Manuel and Spike

Third Course: tortellini with Cavalo Nero, ricotta, pecorino, squash & peppercorn
Movie Inspiration: Il Postino
Team Members: Nikki and Richard II

Fourth Course: quail breast with carrot puree, cranberry chutney & quail spring roll
Movie Inspiration: A Christmas Story
Team Members: Ryan and Mark

Fifth Course: rack of lamb with cauliflower puree, romesco & gramalata
Movie Inspiration: Talk To Her
Team Members: Antonia and Zoi

Sixth Course: NY strip & braised short rib/apple potsticker with caramel sauce
Movie Inspiration: Top Secret
Team Members: Lisa and Stephanie

Overall, the judges and party guests are pretty pleased with the movie-inspired dishes presented by each team. The First Course is a success even tho’ Richard’s magical smoker craps out halfway through the team’s plating. The judges rave about the dish’s playfulness and creativity, which annoyingly reaffirms Andrew’s weekly Doucheism: “I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them” (which sounds unenjoyable … and messy). Spike and Manuel’s Vietnamese summer roll comes off as uninspired and falls flat with the party guests. Courses three and four are good but don’t wow the judges. The fifth course is yummy but not “transcendent” and falsely advertised as “full of the vibrant colors of Spain.” Lastly, Stephanie and Lisa’s Top Secret beef dish (which PS looked and sounded amazing) is deemed original, with perfect execution and great flavor.

Golden Ticket.                             Ticket Home.

Team Willy Wonka and Team Top Secret are chosen as the judges’ favorites for putting out tasty food and connecting to the films. Although both dishes were excellent, Team Wonka’s was “perfectly executed” and Richard is awarded the win for being team leader. Meanwhile, back at the holding room everyone else is swiggin’ the Haterade and bitching about all the crazy shit that Richard cooks up. Spike and Zoi declare there is NO WAY his food can be good, as they continue to ignore Richard’s winning record and live in a state of denial. Next, the camera zooms in on Zoi’s death stare as Richard cheerfully announces he is the winner and Spike and Zoi are LOSERS.

Team Talk to Her is criticized for their poor presentation and not connecting to their movie (which no one has seen except Zoi and Richard II). Predictably, Team Vietnam is declared the number one loser for preparing everyone’s least favorite dish. I crossed my fingers and prayed I would never have to see another Dick Tracy hat again, but sadly Manuel is the one sent packing for being a lackluster wallflower. Manuel boarded Spike’s short bus to Loserville, when what he should have been doing was throwing him under it. Despite the fact that the Vietnamese dish and concept were entirely Spike’s concept, Manuel’s silence at the judges’ table guaranteed his exit from the show would be just like his entrance — forgettable.

I can’t wait for next week!! Richard II kicks chairs, Dale yells and Ming Tsai is the guest judge. Yayyyyy!

I have to admit, I hate the microwave. On occassion I use it to heat up leftovers, make popcorn, or as storage for useless kitchen appliances. I cry (seriously) when people use it to heat up cold pizza. Whyyyy? When you can heat it up just as quickly in the toaster oven/real oven and still have it crispy/delicious not soggy/gross? Just the idea of the microwave, and how it works using radio waves, freaks me out. My mom drilled it into my head that standing in front of the microwave would make you grow 3 heads (but she also claimed that going to sleep with your hair wet made you blind too, so there goes all her credibility).

There’s no middle ground when you use the microwave. It’s either still frozen/cold or it’s nuclear. I’ve tried to use it to defrost things (like chicken or beef) when I’ve forgotten to leave anything out for dinner that night and it has always ended in disaster. Chicken breast would have rock-hard yellow edges, but with an icy popsicle inside. Frozen shrimp became indistinguishable rubbery worms.

Apparently my problem was that I was using it for all the wrong things, because veggies is where the microwave (allegedly) succeeds.  Some other interesting highlights of the article include: debunking the foil in the microwave myth and reaffirming the awesome exploding egg phenomenon.  We tested that one at work one day.  Not to be confused with Pancake Day or Luther Burger Day.

You Use It Everyday. But Can You Make It Cook?

Egg salad has always been one of my favorite things to eat — not the gross gloppy mess you see behind the deli counter, but the good homemade stuff that Mom used to make. As a decidedly simple concept (eggs+mayo), making egg salad isn’t rocket science yet most attempts end up in disastrous results. Too often egg salad gets a bad rap because its so easy to screw up. Some egg salad pitfalls include (but are certainly not limited to):

• being too mayonnaise-y: its egg salad, not egg-flavored mayo
• having the consistency of wallpaper paste: great for making a sandwich fort, but not so great when you’re using them for eating
• being tasteless
• being rubbery: most commonly caused by overcooking the eggs — yes, just because they are hard-boiled doesn’t mean they can’t be overcooked.

Cooking eggs can be tricky, since you obviously can’t see shit through an eggshell and every person has their own idea of what works. One friend (who shall remain nameless) confessed to boiling her eggs for 13 minutes. Sigh, hopefully this recipe helps all of the egg-salad impaired out there. This recipe makes enough for 2 sizeable sandwiches.

4 extra large eggs
1 small to medium-sized shallot, minced
1/2 celery rib, minced
1 t. dijon mustard
1/2 t. lemon juice
3 T. mayonnaise
salt and pepper to taste

1. Arrange eggs in a single layer in a medium-sized pot and cover with 1 in. of cold water. On high heat, bring the eggs and water to a boil. Once boiling, cover the pot and remove from the heat. Keep covered for 10 minutes and voilà perfectly cooked eggs! For easy peeling, drain eggs and return to the pot. Cover and shake to crack egg shells, then immerse eggs in ice water so they retract from their shells.

2. Mash 2 whole eggs with a fork, making sure to maintain sizeable pieces of egg (unless you’re going for a gross baby food consistency, in which case, mash away). Cut the remaining eggs (I like to do these sans yolks to feel healthier, but you can leave them in if you like your egg salad really yellow) into a 1/2 in. dice. I like doing it this way because then its kinda chunky, but not too chunky.

3. Add the remaining ingredients and lightly mix together with a fork. Salt and pepper to taste.

4. If you’re feeling sassy, this recipe can serve as the base for any number of egg salad variations:

• Spicy Curry Award: leave out the mustard, and sprinkle in a bit of curry powder to taste
• Bacon and Scallion: replace shallot with 1 diced scallion and add crumbled bacon bits
• Deviled Egg Salad: add 1 T. of sweet pickle relish and add paprika to taste
• I Rike-ah Egg Sarad: replace dijon mustard with half a packet of Chinese mustard from your last takeout venture and a squirt of Sriracha for some heat

This egg salad is good for a couple of days if you keep it covered in the fridge, but I’m pretty sure that you’ll probably just make 2 sandwiches and eat them before you’re even done reading this sentence.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 3

The show opens with Spike and Andrew playing grab-ass and pretending to be Borat (kinky). They’re battling (unfortunately not to the death) for the title of “Biggest Douchebag Ever.” Ryan looks cute when he brushes his teeth, and our naughty thoughts are interrupted by Richard telling us he’s “serious” about his food. Stephanie misses her gnome friend and everyone agrees that the theme of this season’s Top Chef should be Girl Power.

We’re introduced to the guest judge, Rick Bayless (of Frontera Grill & Topolobampo in Chitown) who is channeling Barney in his fashion choices.

  
             I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family

For the Quickfire Challenge the contestants are asked to create an upscale taco [insert lesbian joke here] that could be served in a fine dining restaurant. Manuel is pumped for the Quickfire because he’s Mexican and the executive chef at Dos Caminos, so naturally thinks he’s got this one in the bag.  Dale rocks his signature sweatband because, as the saying goes, if you can’t stand the heat … then get a bad accessory. We are once again subjected to the cheftestants’ horrendous choice of accessories (see: Erik’s plaid straw hat & Spike’s Dick Tracy hat) and unentertaining insights during their confessionals (like Real World + a kitchen -  the good looking people).

  
The Boring Brothers

Manuel miraculously transforms into Carlos Mencia (aka The Worst Comedian Ever)  as he describes his Quickfire dish with authentic rolling “r”s and perfectly placed enyes and tildes. Sadly, Rick didn’t think Manuel’s taco was too caliente, and chooses Richard’s jicama tortillas with avocado, papaya and cilantro stems for the top spot. He also likes the offerings of the Douchebag Duo, Spike and Andrew. On the losing end, Lisa’s tough skirt steak, Erik’s sloppy plate and Ryan’s low budget presentation make up Rick’s least favorite tacos.

Next, the chefs are asked to choose their own teams, and they divide themselves up into 2 teams (red and blue) for the Elimination Challenge. They hop in their Highlanders and drive out to a random neighborhood in the middle of Chicago to get their challenge for the day: cook for a mealstogether.com block party for 40 adults and 70 rugrats. The catch? They have to go door-to-door like a bunch of Girl Scouts (eff the Red Feathers — “we don’t need no stinkin’ patches!”) begging for the ingredients. The Red Team sends pretty boy Ryan to ask for donations first, and they strip the cupboards bare. Meanwhile, Designer Imposter Borat hits the jackpot when he finds a walk-in pantry/emergency bunker belonging to a woman expecting the Apocalypse.

Team Annoying (aka The Red Team): Zoi, Dale, Andrew, Spike, Ryan and Richard II
Block Party Menu: sliders, corn dogs, pork skewers, sangria, Waldorf salad, pasta salad, taco salad, dip bar, s’mores

Team Boring (aka The Blue Team): Stephanie, Nikki, Antonia, Mark, Manuel, Lisa and Richard
Block Party Menu: paella, slaw, bbq pulled pork sandwiches, bean salad, inside-out cookie, sexy drink, fruit cobbler

Both teams feel grrrreat about the challenge. The members of Team Annoying decide to celebrate by drankin’ some bro sodas and shooting hoops with the neighborhood kids. They are all fun and games because chefs should be entertainers. Like clowns. Clowns with little burgers full of awesomeness. Per usual, Spike and Andrew of Team Annoying display a typical symptom of douchbaggery: overconfidence. They are sure that their winning smiles, bad Borat impressions and overall awesomeness will carry the team to victory.

Andrew throws like a girl.

Back at the Top Chef ranch, the judges are underwhelmed. They didn’t like Nikki’s dry mac ‘n cheese or Dick’s paella. But they did like Antonia’s beans and Stephanie’s sexy drink and dessert.  By default, Team Boring wins for sucking a little less than Team Annoying. Stephanie racks up another win for her mixed fruit crumble with cinnamon sugar wontons and citrusy “sexy drink”with lavender and mint.

Thumbs up.

Unsurprisingly, Team Annoying is put on the chopping block. I feel bad because I love Dale but he should’ve known not to get on the train to Clowntown USA (Population: 2). Half the team gets dominated by the judges, who are here to find a Top Chef, not a Top Jester (Spike and Drew didn’t get the memo). Ryan’s Waldorf salad was watery and bland like his personality. Erik gets reamed for his soggy dogs and Zoi’s pasta salad was flavorless/oily/sucked big time. The judging goes from bad to worse, when Spike and Andrew decide to plead their case/run their mouths and the team gets owned for having crappy palates. In a fit of insanity, Andrew the Chucklef*ck busts out with this: “As far as me going home right now, you’d have to drag me out with security guards, more or less, because I ain’t goin’ no where. This is my house.” Chef Tom gives the stinkeye, because I’m pretty sure this is his house.

Thumbs down.

In the end, Erik is sent packing because nobody likes a limp (corn)weiner. That’s what she said. (Wait, no, seriously this time.  She = Padma.)