EFFIN’ TOP CHEF: We Are Not The Football Team

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 6

All the Top Chefs are shaken up from last night’s elimination because obvs talentless Spike was the better candidate to go home, but Zoi’s seasoning snafu was enough for her to get the boot. Spike thinks people are threatened by him (and his hats — AHHHH!!) and isn’t surprised that all the other cheftestants have been gossiping about him. Lisa doesn’t want confrontations in this competition (ha!) and confronts Dale about their amazing blowout from last week’s episode. She wants him to come to her if he has a problem because they need to be civil if they are going to be living together in the same house. Clearly, Lisa has never lived in a sorority house. It’s possible that Dale has, as he takes a page out of the Mean Girls handbook and gives Lisa a backhanded apology. Dale is sorry. Sorry that Lisa is such a negative bitch. Lisa says Dale can eff himself as far as she’s concerned. Rawr. The claws are out already and I’ve been watching for approximately 2 minutes.

Bro Sodas

I doubt that this episode can be better than last week’s but am excited at the level of bitchiness this early in the show. Then we get to the Quickfire Challenge and I see beer, glorious beer!! Padma and the guest judge, Koren Grieveson (of Avec) are standing behind 16 pitchers of beer. It reminds me of Dollar Pitcher night and I feel a familiar pang of nostalgia for college life. She announces this week’s Quickfire Challege is to create a simple dish that can pair perfectly with beer. The chefs are instructed to taste 3 beers before choosing one. A choice quote from Bravo’s Burning Questions Blog, epitomizes why we all love Dale:

“For me the most important part of conquering the beer challenge was my massive hangover from the night before. At that point the last thing i wanted to do was drink beer, but like at work you got to man up and get the job done.”

I’m glad that they all get hammered in the holding room before Judges’ Table, which could explain why there have been so many awesome blowouts this season and the use of the f-bomb has grown exponentially from in the past 3 years.

Richard II is still reeling from Zoi’s elimination and is cooking with a newfound passion. She wants to do well in the competition for her lady love. All the emotion seems to be helping, as her Shrimp & Scallop Beignets earn her the top spot and immunity in this week’s Elimination Challenge. Richard and Stephanie join her to round out the Quickfire’s Top 3. Koren’s least favorite dishes belong to Nikki, Spike (shocker) and Dale. Lisa gloats over Dale’s uncharacteristic stint in the Bottom 3 because she’s an annoying whore. Spike sarcastically cheers for lesbians after Richard II’s win and joins Lisa on her bitter bandwagon.

Padma announces the Elimination Challenge is to cook at a tailgate for Chicago Bears fans, and I get pumped again because I LOVE tailgating. Except I went to a Big 10 school and tailgating did not involve cooking, and consisted of chugging/funneling/shotgunning cheap beer and the only food you ate came from the hot dog vendors outside the stadium or things you could buy on your Mcard. At the football game you stood in the student section on the bleachers, which seemed to rock beneath your feet (much like trying to stand up in a canoe), trying not to vom up the aforementioned snacks.

The cheftestants head to Whole Foods to shop for ingredients and Dale is feeling confident because he is a Chicago native who loves sports and tailgating. Not surprisingly, Richard the Nerd has never been to a tailgate and has no idea what to cook. While everyone else is being a considerate human, Spike runs over a grandma with a walker and runs like a girl to the meat counter so that he can buy up all the chicken wings, which is the most obvious tailgating dish ever. Ryan declares his metrosexualness and admits to being more fashion and dancing than beer and sports. I knew he was too cute to like girls.

Speaking of questionable sexuality, in the next scene Mark and Spike are in the (hot) tub, poppin’ bubbly. Shockingly enough, none of the girls want to join them and Antonia thinks the bubbles and Korbel reek of bad porn.

The next morning, the cheftestants are off to Chicago’s Soldier Field to cook for the big game. After last night’s Brokeback Bathroom shenanigans, Mark needs to prove his manhood. He brags about his testicular fortitude and is the only REAL MAN (read: idiot) to choose a charcoal grill at the tailgate.

The Annexation of Puerto Rico

Stephanie
Elimination Dish: pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad
Game Highlight: Called Ryan a full-of-shit schmoozer guy and announced that she wasn’t there to be pretty pansy like him.

Dale
Elimination Dish: baby back ribs marinated in tandoori, potato salad with raisins and mango
Game Highlight: Gawked like a little boy when he met famous Chicago Bears legends, Richard Dent, Gale Sayers and Refrigerator Perry.

Spike
Elimination Dish: jicama & pineapple slaw with lime dressing & fire spice chicken wings
Game Lowlight: Chose to employ the same gameplan from the Block Party challenge and win the crowd over with his “charisma,” but fails miserably because he’s a moron.

Antonia
Elimination Dish: jerk chicken sandwich with pickled onion, banana & pineapple
Game Highlight: Won points with the judges for taking a tropical twist on her Carribean-inspired chicken sandwich.

Ryan
Elimination Dish: bread salad with marinated chicken; poached pear & brandy cocoa
Game Lowlight: Decided to serve the most ridiculous tailgating food that was both difficult to eat, and had the ability to turn the manliest Bears fan into a flaming homosexual upon eating.

Andrew
Elimination DIsh: glazed shrimp with potato parsnip puree, bacon & apple chutney
Game Highlight: Wore a helmet while he cooked because food is his game and he’s a tard.

Richard II
Elimination Dish: chicken marinated with harissa & quinoa tabouli
Game Highlight: Cooked a Greek-inspired dish for her girl, Zoi.

Nikki
Elimination Dish: sausage & peppers, grilled shrimp with hot sauce & spiced cider
Game Lowlight: Retardedly gave away all her food to the fans and didn’t save any peppers or onions for the judges.

Lisa
Elimination Dish: skirt steak with corn cake & salsa verde
Game Highlight: Beating her meat. Hmm … too easy.

Richard
Elimination Dish: pate melt with spicy mayo and pickled cucumber
Game Highlight: His “pat-tay melt” was slightly more hetero than Ryan’s dish.

Mark
Elimination Dish: chicken & scallion skewers with soy & onion glaze, new zealand corn chowder
Game Lowlight: Was a total disaster as he bumbled and spilled his way around the grilling station.

Stephanie, Antonia and Dale are announced as the Top 3 at the Judges’ Table after receiving the most praise from the fans at the tailgate. They loved Stephanie’s rosemary vinagrette and her combination of flavors. Antonia’s dish was praised for her use of banana and pineapple to compliment her chicken sandwich. Ultimately, Dale’s Tandoori-inspired ribs had the complexity and unique depth of flavor to win the Elimination Challenge. Eat it, Lisa.

           Fumblerooski                 I’m gonna score a Touchdown!

The crowd chose the offerings of Nikki, Mark and Ryan as their least favorite dishes. No one is surprised that Nikki is on the chopping block since she ran out of food and her sausage and pepper sandwiches were dry. The judges criticize the fact that she didn’t make her own sausage, even tho’ Richard the Wonder Boy made his own pate (which is basically the same thing sans casing) in the alotted time. Like the viewers and tailgaters, the judges are confused about Ryan’s dish choices. Who eats bread salad and poached pears at a TAILGATE? Clearly, Ryan did not go to a college that had sports or girls, but probably had a whole lot of “California flair.” Chef Tom thought the heavy sauce on Mark’s chicken skewers was unsuccessful along with his gritty New Zealand chowder. They also didn’t enjoy his shithole of a work station or his unsanitary serving tactics. (Double dipping the soup spoon! Ewwww!)

In the end, inappropriate dish choices and his overall crappy tasting food sent Ryan packing. I’m actually going to miss Ryan because he was cute, in a dumb puppy sort of way, but nonetheless entertaining. I would take his metroness over Spike’s magical hats any day.