EFFIN’ TOP CHEF: Time To Pretend

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 7

Rise and shine, cheftestants! Everyone is sad (including me) that Ryan is gone. Andrew says something smart for once, and comments on the skyrocketing level of fugliness now that Ryan’s good looks aren’t around to up the average. The chefs are starting to realize that eliminations don’t necessarily have a rhyme or reason to them. All the chefs agree that your only mistake could be your last. Sometimes Chef Tom has PMS and he doesn’t have time for all their bullshit coulda, shoulda, wouldas.

Speaking of failures, the chefs are off to get their Quickfire Challenge, which proves to be a difficult one. The chefs walk into the Top Chef kitchen and I feel like I’ve died and gone to Hoss Heaven. There are cakes and treats piled onto a long table, and standing in front of it is the God of dessert heaven, Johnny Iuzzini (exec pastry chef for Jean-Georges).

Padma announces that the chefs must cook a dessert to win immunity and the chance to be featured in the Top Chef Cookbook! I have to admit, that I already knew who won this one before it even started because someone got me the Top Chef Cookbook for my birthday. Everyone is crapping their pants because making desserts is hard, not to mention it’s been the downfall of many chefs from seasons past. I’m shocked when most of the cheftestants produce passable desserts, that actually look pretty good. Dale decides to go back to his roots and make halo-halo (!!) and I scream with delight because I totally love me some mix-mix. Halo-halo is basically a snowcone on crack — a clusterf*ck of random shit that Filipinos throw over shaved ice that white people probably think is ga-ross, but it tastes delish. He didn’t use any of the traditional technicolor accoutrements, but I give Dale props for bringing an old school Filipino dish to national TV.

Halo Halo, what what

Dessert God announces his favorites are Richard, Dale (yay!) and Lisa. The only contestant from Season 4 who is in the Top Chef Cookbook is … Richard! Dessert God loved his unique banana scallops with banana guacamole. Only weirdo Richard Wonka would think of something crazy like that.

Deep Sea … Bananas?

Padma tells the cheftestants that they are getting the night off to watch an improv show at The Second City in hopes that it will inspire them for the next Elimination Challenge. The chefs are pumped to change into real clothes and have a night out on the town. Clearly, none of them have watched a season of Top Chef before because if they had, they would know that a “night out on the town” really means “get ready to be bent over by some surprise challenge that you won’t be ready for because you don’t watch enough Top Chef.” I mean, HELLOOOO? Does anyone remember last season when Casey cried because she thought she was going clubbing in Miami, but then ended up having to cook in a traveling Winnebago kitchen for drunk kids OUTSIDE the club in her heels and skanky shirt? These chefs are idiots. They should know never to take off their floppy chef hats, because the second they do –BAM! Padma will bitchsmack you. PS I wish they really made them wear floppy chef hats, because that shit would be funny. Like improv Second City funny.

Laugh it up, clowns.

Everyone is kicking back, enjoying a nice night out with friends at the comedy club. They are all yukking it up, when the comics get to the “audience participation” portion of the show. It’s like on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where they let the crowd pick out what they’re gonna do! The chefs are really enjoying themselves, as the crowd shouts out suggestions for the Second City categories: a color, an emotion and an ingredient. I can hear the hamster wheels start turning in Nikki’s head, and she knows right away that it has something to do with their Elimination Challenge. Andrew still looks clueless because the hamsters are on a smoke break. Thankfully, the Second City girl is nice enough to spell it out for the slow ones when she announces that the cheftestants are going to be the ones doing the improvising when they cook a 5-course meal using the audience’s answers for the comics and the judges.

The chefs pair up amongst themselves and draw courses out of Spike’s magical hat. There aren’t any surprising match-ups as everyone picks to work with people they get along with. Obvs that means Andrew and Spike are working together since they share a love for douchebaggery and Borat impressions.

The shenanigans don’t stop as the chefs head to the Top Chef kitchen to begin prepping their courses. They assume that they will be serving their courses in the Top Chef kitchen because tricky Padma and Co. have set up a dining table in the middle of the room. Spike is pumped because he finally gets to make soup! Antonia and I communicate telepathically when she announces that if Spike wins with his stupid soup, she is going to vom in her mouth. Then Dale realizes that all the electrical appliances have been removed and Team Vanilla Love has to put a little elbow grease into their soup, by using a hand-cranked ricer to puree the squash. Richard II and Stephanie barely notice because they are busy building penises out of asparagus.

Their final surprise comes when Chef Tom announces they need to pack up all their shit because dinner will be served at the Top Chef house, NOT the kitchen. The chefs are not pleased because their kitchen only has 6 burners (wah wah) and there is no space to cook.

The way I got into improv was …

Yellow, Love, Vanilla
Members: Andrew & Spike
Elimination Dish: vanilla squash soup

Margenta, Drunk, Polish Sausage
Members: Lisa & Antonia
Elimination Dish: sea bass, chorizo, purple potato

Orange, Turned On, Asparagus
Members: Richard II & Stephanie
Elimination Dish: menage a trois of orange, goat cheese & asparagus

Purple, Depressed, Bacon
Members: Mark & Nikki
Elimination Dish: roasted pork loin

Green, Perplexed, Tofu
Members: Richard & Dale
Elimination Dish: green curry grilled tofu

Annoyingly, Team Vanilla Love is selected as one of the judges’ favorite, joining the all-stars of Team Green. The judges loved Team Vanilla Love’s squash soup and gave it bowl-licking rave reviews. Not surprisingly, Richard and Dale are awarded the top spot with their tofu in green curry that swang both ways (meat or veggie?). I mean, they rendered beef fat and dredged tofu in it so obvs they were gonna win. They were the only team that really embraced their Second City inspiration words, and as a hardcore carnivore, the fact that I wanted to eat that dish really says something.

Menage a Blah                                Bisexual Tofu

My favorite presentation was Team Orange, Turned On, Asparagus because Stephanie totally sold goat cheese like a phone sex operator and Richard II saying SEX-tions was so awkward that I giggled. Apparently, the judges weren’t as amused as I was by their comedic presentation, as they placed Team OTOA in the bottom two. They were unimpressed with their soggy bread balls, and I wasn’t surprised after seeing the other teams’ dishes that they ended up there. Lisa and Antonia were on Team Drunk, Magenta, Polish Sausage and so naturally made Chilean sea bass on top of chorizo. Then they took a shot of tequila and didn’t offer anyone else any. Awkward. Maybe if they had sauced up their dinner guests a little more they wouldn’t have noticed that they didn’t use any of their Second City words. They joined Richard II and Stephanie in the Loser’s Circle. The awkwardness continued as Richard II and Stephanie bumbled their way through their explanation of the phallic presentation to the judges. With Richard II’s upward thrusting hand motion, Johnny Iuzzini provided us with the quote of the night: “The asparagus were meant to be erect?” To make matters worse, they continued to talk about the bread (complete with more suggestive hand gesturing) and I went hoarse screaming “That’s what she said!” at the television.

Sadly, Jen (The Chef Formerly Known As Richard II) was sent home for conceptualizing Team OTOA’s weak dish. I think Jen left us too soon, and I’m sad that we won’t be able to see how her cooking would have progressed had she gone further. She got the highest praise from our boy Dale when he said he would “get scared” when she cooked because she was so good. I don’t think Dale is quick to hand out compliments, so I trust him when he says she had game. With the field narrowing, I hope that the level of cooking and bitchfights increases exponentially. Spike, Nikki and Mark are still flying under the radar by boring us to death with their mediocre preparations and lackluster skill. At this point in the game, Richard and Dale have separated themselves from the others with their gutsy dishes and unique styles. It’s clear that these two are the ones to beat. But like Richard II said in her parting confessional, they’re both going to have to work hard if they expect to finish on top.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAIDDDDD!!!