A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 2

It’s just another morning at the Top Chef house, and Stephanie is so pumped from last week’s win that she is working out at the Top Chef Gym in her boxers (consisting of some free weights, a yoga mat and an exercise ball). Zoi and Richard II are acting distant and behaving differently because Top Chef is a job. A job where you switch shoes like Mr. Rogers before going to work. Except Mr. Rogers didn’t wear ugly black clogs or have a girlfriend named Richard II. Aaaannd they’re off to the Quickfire Challenge.

The chefs are asked to create a dish using only 5 ingredients from the Green City Market. The Quickfire Challenge seems pretty boring considering the guest chef is Wylie Dufresne (the wd-50 chef-meets-mad- scientist). The only highlight is watching New Zealand Mark frantically run from stall to stall like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep looking for $10,000. After successfully pissing off all the Green City Market vendors by being pushy and rude, he forgets his stupid greens at the stand. All that work for nothing! Smooth move, Ex-Lax. (I’m not sure who was more annoying — Mark, or moron Spike who decided shopping for ingredients was for losers and instead opted to take in a nice banjo show.)

Ultimately, Mr. Dufresne and his muttonchops choose Mark’s sirloin steak with mushrooms, turnips and peach cream as the winner of the Quickfire (with Ryan and Valerie rounding out his top 3). Andrew is disqualified for not being able to properly count to 5, and Richard, Erik and Spike are in the bottom group.

Next, the chefs draw knives with different members of the Animal Kingdom on them. Woooo, a group challenge!! They must cater a Linken Park Zoo staff party for 200 and create a menu based on the diet of the team’s chosen animal. It’s only fitting that the first group challenge has the contestants split up into animal teams. The group challenges are survival of the fittest just like in the wild. I love watching the control freaks exert their dominance and stomp on the weak ones. I love the bitchfests that come with anal retentive chefs’ vain attempts at collaboration. I love the finger pointing drama at the Judges’ Table.

Per usual, the contestants head to Whole Foods to shop. Spike molests the produce section like a scavenger and Lisa falls on her ass like a newborn baby giraffe.

Feeding Time at the Zoo:

Gorilla
Diet: leafy greens, root vegetables, all fruits, eggs, corn, wheat/oats/soy beans
Team Members: Stephanie, Valerie, Antonia
Dishes: lamb & edamame cups, banana bread, crab salad on celery root chips (sans chips because they got soggy), black olive blinis with mascarpone

Lion
Diet: beef steaks, ribs, venison, chicken, eggs, beets
Team Members: Erik, Richard, Ryan
Dishes: bison tartare, beet salad with goat cheese foam, chicken sate, prime rib with horseradish foam

Penguin
Diet: herring, anchovies, scallops, crab, squid, shrimp
Team Members: Andrew, Jennifer, Lisa
Dishes: thai shrimp & crab salad, roasted zucchini, squid ceviche, yuzu & mint effin‘ glacier (you have to say this in a super-high and super-gay falsetto)

Bear
Diet: umm don’t bears eat everything including humans (Timmy Treadwell, R.I.P.)?
Team Members: Dale, Spike, Nikki
Dishes: venison loin with butternut squash, seared salmon, stuffed mushrooms with dried blueberries, cheese & honeycomb on bread

Vulture
Diet: quail, rabbits, shellfish, chickens, lamb
Team Members: Mark, Manuel, Zoi
Dishes: braised chicken on tostada chip, Morrocan lamb meatball, anchovy on quinoa croquette

Penguins rule.                               Gorillas drool.

The Vultures and Penguins are chosen as the top teams, and douchey Andrew gets his first Elimination Challenge win with his squid dish. The Gorillas and Bears end up on the chopping block and nobody cares about Team Lion since they got about 2.5 seconds of airtime. Nikki’s mushroom turds, Stephanie’s watery crab salad and Valerie’s nasty blinis all end up on the Judges’ shit list for being poorly executed and tasting like poo. Stephanie owns up to dressing her crab salad too early (thats what she said) and Team Bear gets chewed out for presenting the judges with cheesy bear turds without even tasting them.  In the end, Valerie the Gnome is asked to pack her knives and go back to the forest because everyone knows blinis are gonna blow unless they’re made fresh. Sayonara, Valerie … nobody will miss your cold blinis or your annoying voice.

Valerie and family