EFFIN’ TOP CHEF: Moving Pictures

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 4

Wowww, this episode was so fun! Let’s just forget for a second that all of these cheftestants are morons and picked like the worst movies ever, but still … the Elimination Challenge was bosstastic. Personally, if I were competing I would have presented a talking can of mixed veggies and for dessert humped a fridge. (Who gets this movie reference? Anyone?? Bueller? … Bueller? If you do (because you’re ace), feel free to leave your favorite quote from said movie in the comments section.)

After last week’s show which gave me the zzz’s, this week we got to see a little bit of everyone’s personality (or lack thereof). The show opens up AGAIN with everyone complaining about the Scissor Sisters. They have an advantage blah blah blah and Richard II and Zoi are trying to be respectful and keep their distance yada yada yada. Spike gives his weekly comment about lesbians and skeezes everyone out with his shifty eyes and veiled sexual innuendos.

The contestants enter the Top Chef kitchen to see Daniel Boulud (!!!) –of Daniel and Bar Boulud fame– who is like the Mack Daddy of the culinary world. Daniel believes the most important foundation for a chef is technique because with technique you can’t accomplish great cooking. In order to highlight the cheftestants’ technique, they are asked to create a veggie plate demonstrating 3 culinary techniques for the Quickfire Challenge. 90% of them panic and scramble around the kitchen in an effort to disguise their lack of knife skills and classical training. Everyone except Dale, Zoi and Richard present DANIEL BOULUD with glorified vegetable garnishes and as a result they are chosen as his top three. Dale presents a ridiculous looking vegan sashimi platter with daikon marinated in Tobanjan (spicy miso bean sauce), and a tournée of avocado and cucumber. As one of the few that understood the challenge, his dish looked like beautiful vegetable origami while everyone else took a crap on a plate and topped it off with a parsley sprig.

Veggie Art.                            Veggie Fart.

After Dale is awarded immunity, the chefs are given an AWESOME Elimination Challenge: prepare a 6-course meal for film critic, Richard Roeper’s dinner party for actress/tv star Aisha Tyler. Aisha Tyler … actress and tv star? IMDb tells me her accomplishments include (but are certainly not limited to): The Santa Clause 2 AND 3, Balls of Fury, something called Meet Market, and my personal favorite, the role of “Woman with Weave” in Dancing in September. I mean, I guess she also played Joey’s girlfriend for like a couple of episodes on Friends (the one that Ross also liked who was a paleontology prof) and was in 24 (I think I am the only person ever who doesn’t watch this). But lets be honest, Aisha Tyler is totally with Kathy Griffin on the D-list.

The chefs draw knives and are paired up according to what number course they’ll be making. Dale receives a Quickfire winner perk and gets to choose what course he’ll be working on. He chooses to cook the first course with Andrew and Richard (probs mostly for Richard and not-so-much for Andrew’s beautiful falsetto singing voice and winning personality). Andrew makes a stupid comment about how Dale is the third wheel and is the “weak choosing the strong” which makes no sense considering all of them just got schooled by him in the Quickfire. Also, Andrew is a douchebag (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before).

The most entertaining duo, is obviously Babyface Ryan and New Zealand Mark who have exactly zero things in common. As Babyface lists off his favorite movies (Dumb and Dumber, Old School), and Mark lists off his (waahhh wahhhh wahhhh — translation: Crazy Bad, Mad Max, Bad Boy Bubby) — it becomes blatantly obvious that Ryan’s gf is probs a teenybopper and New Zealanders know crap about movies. How come nobody picked a NORMAL movie? They all picked foreign films or rando movies that had nothing to do with their dishes. For a second I missed Valerie the Gnome who could have chosen Ratatouille and dressed up as Remy the rat, except Remy def was better at cooking than her. Speaking of dress up, I wish Dale and Richard would have let Andrew dress up as an Oompa Loompah to present their dish but nooooo they thought it was too “tongue in cheek” and “kitschy” (which are nice ways of saying “f*cking retarded”).

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

First Course: smoked salmon with faux cavier & white chocolate wasabi sauce; pear and celery soda “Fizzy Lifting Drink”
Movie Inspiration: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
Team Members: Andrew, Richard and Dale

Second Course: summer roll with black vermicelli, green apple, Chilean sea bass & swiss chard
Movie Inspiration: Good Morning, Vietnam
Team Members: Manuel and Spike

Third Course: tortellini with Cavalo Nero, ricotta, pecorino, squash & peppercorn
Movie Inspiration: Il Postino
Team Members: Nikki and Richard II

Fourth Course: quail breast with carrot puree, cranberry chutney & quail spring roll
Movie Inspiration: A Christmas Story
Team Members: Ryan and Mark

Fifth Course: rack of lamb with cauliflower puree, romesco & gramalata
Movie Inspiration: Talk To Her
Team Members: Antonia and Zoi

Sixth Course: NY strip & braised short rib/apple potsticker with caramel sauce
Movie Inspiration: Top Secret
Team Members: Lisa and Stephanie

Overall, the judges and party guests are pretty pleased with the movie-inspired dishes presented by each team. The First Course is a success even tho’ Richard’s magical smoker craps out halfway through the team’s plating. The judges rave about the dish’s playfulness and creativity, which annoyingly reaffirms Andrew’s weekly Doucheism: “I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them” (which sounds unenjoyable … and messy). Spike and Manuel’s Vietnamese summer roll comes off as uninspired and falls flat with the party guests. Courses three and four are good but don’t wow the judges. The fifth course is yummy but not “transcendent” and falsely advertised as “full of the vibrant colors of Spain.” Lastly, Stephanie and Lisa’s Top Secret beef dish (which PS looked and sounded amazing) is deemed original, with perfect execution and great flavor.

Golden Ticket.                             Ticket Home.

Team Willy Wonka and Team Top Secret are chosen as the judges’ favorites for putting out tasty food and connecting to the films. Although both dishes were excellent, Team Wonka’s was “perfectly executed” and Richard is awarded the win for being team leader. Meanwhile, back at the holding room everyone else is swiggin’ the Haterade and bitching about all the crazy shit that Richard cooks up. Spike and Zoi declare there is NO WAY his food can be good, as they continue to ignore Richard’s winning record and live in a state of denial. Next, the camera zooms in on Zoi’s death stare as Richard cheerfully announces he is the winner and Spike and Zoi are LOSERS.

Team Talk to Her is criticized for their poor presentation and not connecting to their movie (which no one has seen except Zoi and Richard II). Predictably, Team Vietnam is declared the number one loser for preparing everyone’s least favorite dish. I crossed my fingers and prayed I would never have to see another Dick Tracy hat again, but sadly Manuel is the one sent packing for being a lackluster wallflower. Manuel boarded Spike’s short bus to Loserville, when what he should have been doing was throwing him under it. Despite the fact that the Vietnamese dish and concept were entirely Spike’s concept, Manuel’s silence at the judges’ table guaranteed his exit from the show would be just like his entrance — forgettable.

I can’t wait for next week!! Richard II kicks chairs, Dale yells and Ming Tsai is the guest judge. Yayyyyy!