EFFIN’ Top Chef: Like Eating Glass

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 3

The show opens with Spike and Andrew playing grab-ass and pretending to be Borat (kinky). They’re battling (unfortunately not to the death) for the title of “Biggest Douchebag Ever.” Ryan looks cute when he brushes his teeth, and our naughty thoughts are interrupted by Richard telling us he’s “serious” about his food. Stephanie misses her gnome friend and everyone agrees that the theme of this season’s Top Chef should be Girl Power.

We’re introduced to the guest judge, Rick Bayless (of Frontera Grill & Topolobampo in Chitown) who is channeling Barney in his fashion choices.

  
             I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family

For the Quickfire Challenge the contestants are asked to create an upscale taco [insert lesbian joke here] that could be served in a fine dining restaurant. Manuel is pumped for the Quickfire because he’s Mexican and the executive chef at Dos Caminos, so naturally thinks he’s got this one in the bag.  Dale rocks his signature sweatband because, as the saying goes, if you can’t stand the heat … then get a bad accessory. We are once again subjected to the cheftestants’ horrendous choice of accessories (see: Erik’s plaid straw hat & Spike’s Dick Tracy hat) and unentertaining insights during their confessionals (like Real World + a kitchen -  the good looking people).

  
The Boring Brothers

Manuel miraculously transforms into Carlos Mencia (aka The Worst Comedian Ever)  as he describes his Quickfire dish with authentic rolling “r”s and perfectly placed enyes and tildes. Sadly, Rick didn’t think Manuel’s taco was too caliente, and chooses Richard’s jicama tortillas with avocado, papaya and cilantro stems for the top spot. He also likes the offerings of the Douchebag Duo, Spike and Andrew. On the losing end, Lisa’s tough skirt steak, Erik’s sloppy plate and Ryan’s low budget presentation make up Rick’s least favorite tacos.

Next, the chefs are asked to choose their own teams, and they divide themselves up into 2 teams (red and blue) for the Elimination Challenge. They hop in their Highlanders and drive out to a random neighborhood in the middle of Chicago to get their challenge for the day: cook for a mealstogether.com block party for 40 adults and 70 rugrats. The catch? They have to go door-to-door like a bunch of Girl Scouts (eff the Red Feathers — “we don’t need no stinkin’ patches!”) begging for the ingredients. The Red Team sends pretty boy Ryan to ask for donations first, and they strip the cupboards bare. Meanwhile, Designer Imposter Borat hits the jackpot when he finds a walk-in pantry/emergency bunker belonging to a woman expecting the Apocalypse.

Team Annoying (aka The Red Team): Zoi, Dale, Andrew, Spike, Ryan and Richard II
Block Party Menu: sliders, corn dogs, pork skewers, sangria, Waldorf salad, pasta salad, taco salad, dip bar, s’mores

Team Boring (aka The Blue Team): Stephanie, Nikki, Antonia, Mark, Manuel, Lisa and Richard
Block Party Menu: paella, slaw, bbq pulled pork sandwiches, bean salad, inside-out cookie, sexy drink, fruit cobbler

Both teams feel grrrreat about the challenge. The members of Team Annoying decide to celebrate by drankin’ some bro sodas and shooting hoops with the neighborhood kids. They are all fun and games because chefs should be entertainers. Like clowns. Clowns with little burgers full of awesomeness. Per usual, Spike and Andrew of Team Annoying display a typical symptom of douchbaggery: overconfidence. They are sure that their winning smiles, bad Borat impressions and overall awesomeness will carry the team to victory.

Andrew throws like a girl.

Back at the Top Chef ranch, the judges are underwhelmed. They didn’t like Nikki’s dry mac ‘n cheese or Dick’s paella. But they did like Antonia’s beans and Stephanie’s sexy drink and dessert.  By default, Team Boring wins for sucking a little less than Team Annoying. Stephanie racks up another win for her mixed fruit crumble with cinnamon sugar wontons and citrusy “sexy drink”with lavender and mint.

Thumbs up.

Unsurprisingly, Team Annoying is put on the chopping block. I feel bad because I love Dale but he should’ve known not to get on the train to Clowntown USA (Population: 2). Half the team gets dominated by the judges, who are here to find a Top Chef, not a Top Jester (Spike and Drew didn’t get the memo). Ryan’s Waldorf salad was watery and bland like his personality. Erik gets reamed for his soggy dogs and Zoi’s pasta salad was flavorless/oily/sucked big time. The judging goes from bad to worse, when Spike and Andrew decide to plead their case/run their mouths and the team gets owned for having crappy palates. In a fit of insanity, Andrew the Chucklef*ck busts out with this: “As far as me going home right now, you’d have to drag me out with security guards, more or less, because I ain’t goin’ no where. This is my house.” Chef Tom gives the stinkeye, because I’m pretty sure this is his house.

Thumbs down.

In the end, Erik is sent packing because nobody likes a limp (corn)weiner. That’s what she said. (Wait, no, seriously this time.  She = Padma.)