Beer Float Perfection

Soooo … yesterday I woke up, bounded out of bed sans hangover (which explains the bounding) to find myself standing in a puddle. I took a step and a geyser of water squirted up from one of the cracks in my hardwood flooring. WTF.

When the maintenance man came over he ripped open my AC unit to find a gaping hole in the tank where the condensed water goes before it is deposited outside (which could explain my squishy floor and why I awoke to the sweet sound of a babbling brook that wasn’t coming from my fancy Sharper Image clock radio).

Anyway, obvs those morons said they couldn’t fix it until later this week and instead put a ghetto ass aluminum pan underneath the drip (which I have to empty every 3 hours ughhhh). While I was sweating and having to pee all day Sunday, I was struck with the brilliant idea to combine two of my favoritest things ever: beer and ice cream.

I know that sounds really gross and like a recipe for gut rot, but it turned out to be an amazing discovery. I had dinner plans later that evening with friends and I was responsible for bringing dessert. After quickly ruling out anything that would require the oven (there was no way I was adding extra heat to my already sweltering apartment), I decided to dust off the ice cream machine to make this:

Guinness-Milk Chocolate Ice Cream
recipe from Perfect Scoop by David Lebovitz
makes about one quart

7 oz. milk chocolate, finely chopped
1 c. whole milk
1/2 c. sugar
pinch of salt
4 large egg yolks
1 c. heavy cream
3/4 c. Guinness Stout
1 t. vanilla extract

1. Chop up the chocolate into smallish slivers and place in a large bowl. Set a mesh strainer over the top.

2. Heat the milk, sugar, and salt in a medium saucepan over lowish heat (make sure it doesn’t boil). While that’s going, whisk the egg yolks in a separate bowl until they become a pale yellow. Slowly pour a little bit of the warm milk mixture into the bowl with the egg yolks, whisking constantly, then pour the entire contents of the bowl into the saucepan. If you pour the eggs straight into the hot milk you will get an egg drop soup effect, so don’t forget to temper the yolks first with a bit of the liquid.

3. Stir the mixture constantly over medium heat with a heatproof spatula, scraping the bottom as you stir, until the mixture thickens and coats the spatula. Pour the custard through the strainer over the milk chocolate, then stir until the chocolate is melted. Resist the urge to stick your face in it.

4. Once the mixture is smooth, whisk in the cream, then the Guinness and vanilla. Stir until cool over an ice bath. (I’m not entirely sure this step is necessary, because it was already pretty cool by the time I poured the cold Guinness in there. Since my kitchen is built for elves, I had to get a bit creative for my ice bath.)

5. Place this magical elixir in the fridge until it’s nice and cold. It will make your entire fridge smell amazing. I imagine this is what heaven smells like. Booze and chocolate.

6. Once sufficiently chilled, freeze it in your ice cream maker according to the manufacturer’s instructions. It took about 30-45 minutes in mine to get it to a soft serve consistency. This is when I like to take it out because if you let it get any thicker the machine starts to groan and smell like burning. So I advise to stop it when it’s soft serve-y, dump it out into a container and put it in the freezer for a couple of hours.

Note: You will probs wanna eat it before it gets hard enough for scooping, but there will be a sufficient amount of ice cream left frozen to the sides of your machine for sampling/instant gratification. Under no circumstances should you place your tongue directly on the walls of the ice cream dasher. My friend did that once and it was a total Christmas Story moment. OK, it was me.

7. Now here comes the good part. Crack open a can/bottle of Guinness. Carefully pour it into a glass and top with 2 scoops of ice cream. Seriously, this is one of the best floats you will ever have. And if you make this for boys they will have multiple orgasms and then ask you to move in with them. Just saying.

MARVEL IN BEER FLOAT PERFECTION
(the last bit of the float is all melty ice cream + beer which makes it like a milkshake for adults)

PS Other things boys like making love to besides beer floats are their iPhones. Apparently someone decided to combine those 2 things to get this:

Which is probs the dumbest thing ever after Tila Tequila and Rock of Love 3.