Mincing shallots, not words.

Soooo … yesterday I woke up, bounded out of bed sans hangover (which explains the bounding) to find myself standing in a puddle. I took a step and a geyser of water squirted up from one of the cracks in my hardwood flooring. WTF.

When the maintenance man came over he ripped open my AC unit to find a gaping hole in the tank where the condensed water goes before it is deposited outside (which could explain my squishy floor and why I awoke to the sweet sound of a babbling brook that wasn’t coming from my fancy Sharper Image clock radio).

Anyway, obvs those morons said they couldn’t fix it until later this week and instead put a ghetto ass aluminum pan underneath the drip (which I have to empty every 3 hours ughhhh). While I was sweating and having to pee all day Sunday, I was struck with the brilliant idea to combine two of my favoritest things ever: beer and ice cream.

I know that sounds really gross and like a recipe for gut rot, but it turned out to be an amazing discovery. I had dinner plans later that evening with friends and I was responsible for bringing dessert. After quickly ruling out anything that would require the oven (there was no way I was adding extra heat to my already sweltering apartment), I decided to dust off the ice cream machine to make this:

Guinness-Milk Chocolate Ice Cream
recipe from Perfect Scoop by David Lebovitz
makes about one quart

7 oz. milk chocolate, finely chopped
1 c. whole milk
1/2 c. sugar
pinch of salt
4 large egg yolks
1 c. heavy cream
3/4 c. Guinness Stout
1 t. vanilla extract

1. Chop up the chocolate into smallish slivers and place in a large bowl. Set a mesh strainer over the top.

2. Heat the milk, sugar, and salt in a medium saucepan over lowish heat (make sure it doesn’t boil). While that’s going, whisk the egg yolks in a separate bowl until they become a pale yellow. Slowly pour a little bit of the warm milk mixture into the bowl with the egg yolks, whisking constantly, then pour the entire contents of the bowl into the saucepan. If you pour the eggs straight into the hot milk you will get an egg drop soup effect, so don’t forget to temper the yolks first with a bit of the liquid.

3. Stir the mixture constantly over medium heat with a heatproof spatula, scraping the bottom as you stir, until the mixture thickens and coats the spatula. Pour the custard through the strainer over the milk chocolate, then stir until the chocolate is melted. Resist the urge to stick your face in it.

4. Once the mixture is smooth, whisk in the cream, then the Guinness and vanilla. Stir until cool over an ice bath. (I’m not entirely sure this step is necessary, because it was already pretty cool by the time I poured the cold Guinness in there. Since my kitchen is built for elves, I had to get a bit creative for my ice bath.)

5. Place this magical elixir in the fridge until it’s nice and cold. It will make your entire fridge smell amazing. I imagine this is what heaven smells like. Booze and chocolate.

6. Once sufficiently chilled, freeze it in your ice cream maker according to the manufacturer’s instructions. It took about 30-45 minutes in mine to get it to a soft serve consistency. This is when I like to take it out because if you let it get any thicker the machine starts to groan and smell like burning. So I advise to stop it when it’s soft serve-y, dump it out into a container and put it in the freezer for a couple of hours.

Note: You will probs wanna eat it before it gets hard enough for scooping, but there will be a sufficient amount of ice cream left frozen to the sides of your machine for sampling/instant gratification. Under no circumstances should you place your tongue directly on the walls of the ice cream dasher. My friend did that once and it was a total Christmas Story moment. OK, it was me.

7. Now here comes the good part. Crack open a can/bottle of Guinness. Carefully pour it into a glass and top with 2 scoops of ice cream. Seriously, this is one of the best floats you will ever have. And if you make this for boys they will have multiple orgasms and then ask you to move in with them. Just saying.

MARVEL IN BEER FLOAT PERFECTION
(the last bit of the float is all melty ice cream + beer which makes it like a milkshake for adults)

PS Other things boys like making love to besides beer floats are their iPhones. Apparently someone decided to combine those 2 things to get this:

Which is probs the dumbest thing ever after Tila Tequila and Rock of Love 3.

So last weekend I was bumming around on a hot-ass Saturday with some friends, and since it was crazy to be anywhere except in front of an air conditioner, we decided to watch some old 80’s movies. We caught the tail end of Fast Times at Ridgemont High and I somehow thought that these 2 actors were the same person:

Twins? Kind of? … No?

Completely blocking out that Fast Times came out in 1982 and Judge Reinhold is like 100:

“Hi, I’m a dinosaur.”

Anyway, so I bet my friend Amy a pie and obvs I lost because I’m a tard with no concept of time. In my defense, Judge Reinhold circa 1982 looks alot like whoever that guy in Forgetting Sarah Marshall is. Always the gracious loser, I brought Amy her winnings on Wednesday night and it immediately got dominated by everyone at the Project Runway viewing party.

This recipe is loosely adapted from a cookbook on my friend’s boat. The first time I ever tasted this pie, I ate 3/4 of it myself by waking up early (which for a nocturnal being like myself, does not happen often) and having it for breakfast while everyone was still asleep. It makes enough for 1 pie which if jealously hoarded from others, can feed one … but should probably be shared with friends.

9-inch frozen pie crust
3/4 c. plus 5 T. all-purpose flour
2/3 c. firmly packed golden brown sugar
1/3 c. granulated sugar plus 1 T. for the filling
2 t. ground cinnamon
1/8 t. salt
8 T cold unsalted butter, cut into 3/4 in. pieces
5 c. of blueberries (it is about 2 1/2 pints of berries)

1. Prebake the frozen pie crust according to the package’s directions. (Don’t forget to poke holes in the bottom of the crust with a fork or else it will puff up and ruin everything.)

2. Once your crust is done, preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

3. For the crumble topping (droooooool): Combine 3/4 c. flour, 1/3 c. of brown sugar, 1/3 c. granulated sugar, 1 t. cinnamon and the salt. Toss in the butter pieces to coat with the flour mixture. Using your fingertips (or if you’re a wuss, a pastry blender) squish the butter/flour mixture until it resembles pea-sized crumbs. Resist the urge to toss a handful of this delicious sand into your mouth, and set the topping aside.

3. Onto the blueberry filling: In a large bowl, combine the blueberries, the remaining brown sugar, the remaining cinnamon, and 4 T. of the flour. Stir gently to ensure that each little blueberry gets dusted with the dry ingredients. Sprinkle the remaining 1 T. of flour and 1 T. of granulated sugar over the bottom of the prebaked pie crust, spreading it evenly (this turns the blueberry juice into a gooey, purple sludge) and pile the blueberries on top. It might look like an intense mountain of blueberries, but it cooks down a bunch so we need to be fairly aggressive with the amount we put in there.

4. Sprinkle the crumble topping evenly over the blueberry filling. (Really pile it on there.) Bake the pie on a rack in the lower-third of the oven until the topping is golden brown and the blueberry filling is just starting to erupt; it should be bubbly, peeking through the buttery and delicious crumb terrain (about 50-60 minutes).

5. Transfer to a wire rack and let cool completely. Serve at room temperature.*

*OK, lets be honest, I am totally impatient and you’re probably not going to have the willpower to wait because trust me, the smell alone while its baking is torture. But I feel it is my duty, to encourage you to wait for the following reasons:

• If you don’t let the filling cool, and just go haphazardly cutting into it … the filling will be runny and you probably won’t even be able to get a slice out without using a spoon (that is, if you’re even using utensils at this point, you animal).
• Fresh out of the oven blueberry slurry = burning hot magma. (Think of the worst pizza burn you’ve ever had and then multiply that by infinity.)
• You’ll turn into a giant blueberry and the Oompa Loompahs will have to roll you to the juicing room.

I hope we all learn something from my inability to wait for the alotted cooling times suggested in recipes.

Obvs we didn’t wait and so I couldn’t get a pic of the whole pie, but this is what was left the morning after.

Last night I was jonesin’ for some sushi so decided to check out my friend Mel’s favorite spot, Sushi Taro (1503 17th St. NW). Mmmm sushi. One of Japan’s greatest contributions to the world. Some other notables being: karaoke, Tokyo street style, sumo wrestling, Tamagotchis, and … this:

You think the Japanese are adept in the housekeeping arena; it is nothing compared to their culinary genius. Who else would have thought to put raw fish on little vinegar’d rice balls?

Speaking of nigiri sushi, Sushi Taro’s was tops. I brought along my friend Wags to enjoy some deliciously raw food and throw back a couple of Kirins. She ordered one of the sushi platters (11 pieces of nigiri and a California roll) and I got the 7-kinds of fish sashimi platter. Neither of us had been to Taro before so we came in with open minds about the quality of food, and were pleasantly surprised by how great everything was. The sashimi tasted like it had just been swimming with Nemo moments before it got to my plate.

The sashimi slices were generously cut, not like those wimpy thin slices you can practically see through at other sushi places. After our feast, we were still hungry and decided to check out a roll from the a la carte menu. We finally decided on the Dragon roll (soft shell crab on the inside, eel and avocado on the outside). As expected, it was excellent like the rest of the meal.

Sushi Taro’s old school style of sushi (don’t expect to see any crazy rolls on the menu) marries perfectly with the style of the restaurant, which is traditional in every sense. The tables are low, and diners must sit on the floor. For those with bad knees, you can opt to sit at the sushi bar, which is where we sat because we didn’t have a reservation. Because Sushi Taro is so popular, don’t expect to walk in without a reservation unless you go early on a random weekday (we went at 6:30 on a Wednesday and still had to sit at the bar). Regardless of where you end up sitting, Sushi Taro is worth the wait for it’s top quality fish and attentive service.

It’s probs not the type of place for you if you want to do some belligerent kamikaze-style sake bombing (i.e. Sounkyo in NYC, bless their hearts), but its a really tasty alternative for those who want to put the drinking problems on hold for a night.

 
[photo by Julia Fullerton-Batten]

OK party people, I know I’ve been MIA for about 2 months and to all my adoring fans (all 4 of you): I apologize for not posting anything in forevs.  I’m a sorry excuse for a blogger.

The good news is that I have lots of things in the works so posts will be forthcoming, and hopefully, on a somewhat regular basis now.

Clearly, I missed the last half of Top Chef, but we all knew Stephanie would win … and that Lisa would be a twatwaffle right down to the very end.  I may retroactively write some recaps but I’m pretty sure that when I got back from my work trip that my DVR had imploded onto itself so I might have to wait for a Bravo marathon before I can tape them again.

P.S. OMG LOL WTF … peep this teaser of Thu Tran’s new “cooking” show, Food Party which I’m guessing is probs like a foodie equivalent of The Joy of Painting for stoners.  Happy little Luther burgers instead of happy little trees.

OK so after watching Episode 8 of Top Chef, I decided to put the $10 meal to the test. As expected, I was well over budget after adding up the cost of all the ingredients. I think I hit the $10 mark after adding up the chicken, noodles, bok choy and red pepper (although stupid Safeway charged me $1.99 for the pepper which I think is highway robbery). I guess you could make a meal from that stuff alone, but the main flavor of Antonia’s dish came from teriyaki sauce which will set you back at least $3 if you get a cheapo brand, and $5 (at Safeway) if you get my fav, Soy Vey.

Anyway, since the Bravo website’s recipe for Stir Fry Whole Wheat Noodles was seriously lacking, I decided to Snarkyize it.

Sooo, I didn’t think that would taste all that great so I changed some stuff in the recipe. Basically, I used all of the ingredients listed above minus the carrots and cilantro (because I forgot the carrots, and I don’t really like cilantro). Here’s what I did:

1. Cut up chicken breasts into bite-sized pieces or strips, and marinate in teriyaki sauce for up to 2 hours.

2. Cook whole wheat pasta (I used linguine) according to package directions. Mine took about 7 minutes so if you have the pasta water boiling and start cooking it right before you start making the chicken/vegetables everything should be ready at around the same time.

2. Drizzle a large pan with just enough oil to coat over medium-highish heat, add chopped onion. Saute until the onions are just starting to become translucent (about 2-3 minutes).

3. Add the chicken pieces and cook for a couple minutes until most of the pinkness goes away. Add the chopped red pepper and stir everything occasionally, until the peppers are just softened.

4. Add the chopped bok choy and cook until the greens are wilted. (Note: I only used the leafy green parts and discarded the white, celery-ish bottoms because they can be pretty hard and have a strong bitter taste which I didn’t think would be tasty with the pasta, but if you want to leave them in — go for it! Just know that the stalks take longer to cook, so I would add them with the peppers before adding the greens.) Also, this is a good time to add the shelled, frozen edamame.

5. At this point all of this stuff has most likely given off some water, which is probably sitting at the bottom of your pan. Carefully pour off as much as you can, and then drizzle the entire mixture with some teriyaki sauce (NOT the stuff you just marinated the chicken in, weirdo). I also put in a couple squirts of sriracha (you could also use hot sauce) because I put it on everything. Mix until everything is lightly glazed with sauce. Set aside.

6. Your pasta should be ready now, so drain it off and place it in a large bowl.

7. I think what the Bravo website recipe lacked was sauce for the pasta (since I think store-bought teriyaki is kind of nasty and the thought of dousing my noodles with it made me kinda barfy), so I made my own using:

• ¼ c. sesame oil
• ¼ c. soy sauce
• 2 T. vinegar (I used rice vinegar because it was all I had)
• 2 T. sugar
• 2 T. hot chili oil (you could substitute just straight hot sauce or sriracha to taste if you don’t have this)

Just whisk it all together and pour it right over the hot noodles.

8. Toss noodles with sauce to coat. Then add the chicken and veggie mixture from before and mix it all together. Also, I had some leftover slivered almonds from something so I toasted those and added them to the pasta, which gave it a cool crunchy element. Totes a great extra if you’re feeling sassy.

9. Marvel at your (somewhat) cheap and tasty creation.

This recipe makes alot of food. Like enough for a whole family or a single hoss.

**Added bonus: this pasta tastes awesome cold, so its nice for snacking leftovers straight from the fridge.**

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 8

OK, so this episode was pretty tame. Mostly because children were involved so the drama was kept to a minimum, along with the use of Season 4’s favorite word: the F-bomb. The guest judge was also lame … Oprah’s personal chef, Art Smith. For their Quickfire Challenge they were to create a fabulous entree in 15 minutes using Uncle Ben’s microwaveable rice. I’ve had this 90-second rice before, and it sucks. You tear a hole in the top, nuke it for a minute and a half and magically you have gross tasting rice. In Uncle Ben’s defense, I’m sort of a rice snob, and my family has like 800 rice cookers of assorted colors and sizes. I hadn’t even heard of this microwavable rice until senior year of college when my roommate would make it all the time. Her diet consisted of cheese cubes, cereal, cold cuts and this microwavable rice so I’ve had limited exposure to White People’s rice.

The cheftestants got pretty creative with their microwavable rice and their 15 minutes. Stephanie made a seafood pancake, and Andrew even used the raw rice to coat his chicken. Art’s bottom three consisted of Mark, Lisa and Stephanie. His favorites were Dale (go Asians!), Richard and Antonia. Her rice salad with skirt steak looked really tasty, and Oprah’s Chef gave Antonia the coveted Quickfire immunity. He loved the hot and cold of the salad and the warm rice.

Rice + Salad = Surprisingly Tasty Goodness

For their Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants are asked to make cheap eats for a family of 4, with a budget of $10. Maybe food is cheaper in Chicago (I doubt it), but $10 in DC will get you a couple of Top Ramen and some chicken nuggets. They don’t even have either of those things at Whole Foods because it’s not fancy organic food. Ten dollars at Whole Foods will get you one apple and an Odwalla juice to wash it down. This challenge is bogus.

At the checkout, we see the chefs breaking off half of their produce to meet their budget constraints. I’m pretty sure once I went to Safeway and tried to buy half a ginger root (which I broke in half myself) and they wouldn’t let me. But that might be because it was crappy Safeway, home of rotting food and the occasional drive-by.

The chefs get to the Elimination Challenge kitchen and Padma announces they will be getting help from guest sous chefs! I’m hoping its bitter ex-contestants from seasons past, but instead its KIDS!! The Elimination Challenge is to cook a simple, healthy dish for the children in Art Smith’s foundation, Common Threads. It’s actually a really good cause, and they have the support of a ton of famous chefs. The kids were super psyched to get their hands dirty and start cooking for their pals.

You Were A Child …

Richard
Elimination Dish: roasted chicken with black beans, apple, avocado & beet salad
Aww Moment: When Richard was psyched because his sous chef’s blue shirt matched perfectly with his girly pink Crocs. An Aww Moment for Chef Tom when he asked her if she put the onions on a treadmill to get them to sweat.

Lisa
Elimination Dish: roasted chicken with edamame & black beans, pb & apple french toast
Aww Moment: When she said she loved to cook with her girlfriend’s kid. Like we didn’t all see that coming.

Dale
Elimination Dish: turkey bratwurst with potatoes, onions, red cabbage & apples
Aww Moment: Got the runty kid, and recounted his memories of growing up as a short Asian kid who waited desperately for puberty/his growth spurt. Is still waiting, but traded his Jordans for an apron in the meantime.

Spike
Elimination Dish: pasta puttanesca, carrot soup & semi-baked apples
Aww Moment: When his kid cut himself within .5 seconds of the challenge starting, then struggled to hold back tears so he didn’t cry on national television and get his ass kicked in school.

Nikki
Elimination Dish: roasted chicken with mixed vegetables, tomato & cucumber salad
Aww Moment: Was raised by a single parent, and confessed that she began cooking at the tender age of 8.

Mark
Elimination Dish: vegetable curry, cinnamon rice & cucumber salad
Aww Moment: Shared a moment with his sous chef after learning she was from Mexico and he was from New Zealand. What a small world!

Antonia
Elimination Dish: chicken and vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles
Aww Moment: Smellmop who? Also, my blackened little heart swelled when she cried upon seeing that the guest sous chefs were kids.

Andrew
Elimination Dish: chicken paillard with fennel, apples & orange salad
Aww Moment: Confessed to being a fattie when he was younger (he lost 200 lbs?!) and I thought he was cute for a second.

Stephanie
Elimination Dish: couscous with eggplant & zucchini, chicken in peanut & tomato sauce; apples with granola
Aww Moment: When her sous chef ended up being as tall as her.

Andrew, Nikki and Antonia received rave reviews from both the kids and the judges. They loved Nikki’s one-pot wonder, and she managed to sneak in brussel sprouts! Personally, I don’t mind brussel sprouts, but I’m a weirdo and my favorite veggie growing up was lima beans. Andrew’s dish was a hit for introducing an interesting new ingredient with his use of a fennel salad. But in the end, even though Antonia had immunity, the super-mom picked up the win. Everyone loved the mild, but sophisticated flavors of her veggie stir-fry that were delicious for all ages.

Knock, knock? Who’s there?

Not surprisingly, the least successful dishes in the challenge belonged to Stephanie, Mark and Lisa. The panel of judges was baffled by Stephanie’s tomato, lemon and peanut sauce. I eat alot of weird shit, and that sounded gross, even to me. Padma was def not a fan, and “detested” her overcooked couscous. I have to admit, I was a little worried that Stephanie would be packing her knives. I mean, we all knew as soon as they showed her bumbling around Whole Foods to carnival music that her dish would be a hot mess. Lisa’s dish was bland, and Mark’s curry was just barfariffic. It looked horrendous, and had the nutritional value of a bag of Cheetos and a slurpee. When Mark quipped that Chef Tom was “digging the shit out of his curry” I laughed my ass off considering it looked suspiciously like liquid dookie (I just learned this word yesterday). Mark whined about Chef Tom not liking him, which T-Colicchio unconvincingly denied. In the end, even if he had been Chef Tom’s BFF, it wouldn’t have saved him from the barfy curry that ultimately sent him packing. Rock on, rocker!

Open up, it’s Smell My Poo.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 7

Rise and shine, cheftestants! Everyone is sad (including me) that Ryan is gone. Andrew says something smart for once, and comments on the skyrocketing level of fugliness now that Ryan’s good looks aren’t around to up the average. The chefs are starting to realize that eliminations don’t necessarily have a rhyme or reason to them. All the chefs agree that your only mistake could be your last. Sometimes Chef Tom has PMS and he doesn’t have time for all their bullshit coulda, shoulda, wouldas.

Speaking of failures, the chefs are off to get their Quickfire Challenge, which proves to be a difficult one. The chefs walk into the Top Chef kitchen and I feel like I’ve died and gone to Hoss Heaven. There are cakes and treats piled onto a long table, and standing in front of it is the God of dessert heaven, Johnny Iuzzini (exec pastry chef for Jean-Georges).

Padma announces that the chefs must cook a dessert to win immunity and the chance to be featured in the Top Chef Cookbook! I have to admit, that I already knew who won this one before it even started because someone got me the Top Chef Cookbook for my birthday. Everyone is crapping their pants because making desserts is hard, not to mention it’s been the downfall of many chefs from seasons past. I’m shocked when most of the cheftestants produce passable desserts, that actually look pretty good. Dale decides to go back to his roots and make halo-halo (!!) and I scream with delight because I totally love me some mix-mix. Halo-halo is basically a snowcone on crack — a clusterf*ck of random shit that Filipinos throw over shaved ice that white people probably think is ga-ross, but it tastes delish. He didn’t use any of the traditional technicolor accoutrements, but I give Dale props for bringing an old school Filipino dish to national TV.

Halo Halo, what what

Dessert God announces his favorites are Richard, Dale (yay!) and Lisa. The only contestant from Season 4 who is in the Top Chef Cookbook is … Richard! Dessert God loved his unique banana scallops with banana guacamole. Only weirdo Richard Wonka would think of something crazy like that.

Deep Sea … Bananas?

Padma tells the cheftestants that they are getting the night off to watch an improv show at The Second City in hopes that it will inspire them for the next Elimination Challenge. The chefs are pumped to change into real clothes and have a night out on the town. Clearly, none of them have watched a season of Top Chef before because if they had, they would know that a “night out on the town” really means “get ready to be bent over by some surprise challenge that you won’t be ready for because you don’t watch enough Top Chef.” I mean, HELLOOOO? Does anyone remember last season when Casey cried because she thought she was going clubbing in Miami, but then ended up having to cook in a traveling Winnebago kitchen for drunk kids OUTSIDE the club in her heels and skanky shirt? These chefs are idiots. They should know never to take off their floppy chef hats, because the second they do –BAM! Padma will bitchsmack you. PS I wish they really made them wear floppy chef hats, because that shit would be funny. Like improv Second City funny.

Laugh it up, clowns.

Everyone is kicking back, enjoying a nice night out with friends at the comedy club. They are all yukking it up, when the comics get to the “audience participation” portion of the show. It’s like on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where they let the crowd pick out what they’re gonna do! The chefs are really enjoying themselves, as the crowd shouts out suggestions for the Second City categories: a color, an emotion and an ingredient. I can hear the hamster wheels start turning in Nikki’s head, and she knows right away that it has something to do with their Elimination Challenge. Andrew still looks clueless because the hamsters are on a smoke break. Thankfully, the Second City girl is nice enough to spell it out for the slow ones when she announces that the cheftestants are going to be the ones doing the improvising when they cook a 5-course meal using the audience’s answers for the comics and the judges.

The chefs pair up amongst themselves and draw courses out of Spike’s magical hat. There aren’t any surprising match-ups as everyone picks to work with people they get along with. Obvs that means Andrew and Spike are working together since they share a love for douchebaggery and Borat impressions.

The shenanigans don’t stop as the chefs head to the Top Chef kitchen to begin prepping their courses. They assume that they will be serving their courses in the Top Chef kitchen because tricky Padma and Co. have set up a dining table in the middle of the room. Spike is pumped because he finally gets to make soup! Antonia and I communicate telepathically when she announces that if Spike wins with his stupid soup, she is going to vom in her mouth. Then Dale realizes that all the electrical appliances have been removed and Team Vanilla Love has to put a little elbow grease into their soup, by using a hand-cranked ricer to puree the squash. Richard II and Stephanie barely notice because they are busy building penises out of asparagus.

Their final surprise comes when Chef Tom announces they need to pack up all their shit because dinner will be served at the Top Chef house, NOT the kitchen. The chefs are not pleased because their kitchen only has 6 burners (wah wah) and there is no space to cook.

The way I got into improv was …

Yellow, Love, Vanilla
Members: Andrew & Spike
Elimination Dish: vanilla squash soup

Margenta, Drunk, Polish Sausage
Members: Lisa & Antonia
Elimination Dish: sea bass, chorizo, purple potato

Orange, Turned On, Asparagus
Members: Richard II & Stephanie
Elimination Dish: menage a trois of orange, goat cheese & asparagus

Purple, Depressed, Bacon
Members: Mark & Nikki
Elimination Dish: roasted pork loin

Green, Perplexed, Tofu
Members: Richard & Dale
Elimination Dish: green curry grilled tofu

Annoyingly, Team Vanilla Love is selected as one of the judges’ favorite, joining the all-stars of Team Green. The judges loved Team Vanilla Love’s squash soup and gave it bowl-licking rave reviews. Not surprisingly, Richard and Dale are awarded the top spot with their tofu in green curry that swang both ways (meat or veggie?). I mean, they rendered beef fat and dredged tofu in it so obvs they were gonna win. They were the only team that really embraced their Second City inspiration words, and as a hardcore carnivore, the fact that I wanted to eat that dish really says something.

Menage a Blah                                Bisexual Tofu

My favorite presentation was Team Orange, Turned On, Asparagus because Stephanie totally sold goat cheese like a phone sex operator and Richard II saying SEX-tions was so awkward that I giggled. Apparently, the judges weren’t as amused as I was by their comedic presentation, as they placed Team OTOA in the bottom two. They were unimpressed with their soggy bread balls, and I wasn’t surprised after seeing the other teams’ dishes that they ended up there. Lisa and Antonia were on Team Drunk, Magenta, Polish Sausage and so naturally made Chilean sea bass on top of chorizo. Then they took a shot of tequila and didn’t offer anyone else any. Awkward. Maybe if they had sauced up their dinner guests a little more they wouldn’t have noticed that they didn’t use any of their Second City words. They joined Richard II and Stephanie in the Loser’s Circle. The awkwardness continued as Richard II and Stephanie bumbled their way through their explanation of the phallic presentation to the judges. With Richard II’s upward thrusting hand motion, Johnny Iuzzini provided us with the quote of the night: “The asparagus were meant to be erect?” To make matters worse, they continued to talk about the bread (complete with more suggestive hand gesturing) and I went hoarse screaming “That’s what she said!” at the television.

Sadly, Jen (The Chef Formerly Known As Richard II) was sent home for conceptualizing Team OTOA’s weak dish. I think Jen left us too soon, and I’m sad that we won’t be able to see how her cooking would have progressed had she gone further. She got the highest praise from our boy Dale when he said he would “get scared” when she cooked because she was so good. I don’t think Dale is quick to hand out compliments, so I trust him when he says she had game. With the field narrowing, I hope that the level of cooking and bitchfights increases exponentially. Spike, Nikki and Mark are still flying under the radar by boring us to death with their mediocre preparations and lackluster skill. At this point in the game, Richard and Dale have separated themselves from the others with their gutsy dishes and unique styles. It’s clear that these two are the ones to beat. But like Richard II said in her parting confessional, they’re both going to have to work hard if they expect to finish on top.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAIDDDDD!!!

I went to Bistrot Du Coin last weekend for dinner after passing it countless times on my way to and from the Metro without even looking in the windows, and was totally shocked that it even existed so close to my apartment. The food was decent enough for the price and Du Coin’s atmosphere is like that of a traditional bistro, bustling with energy and loud. With its high ceilings and funky French decor, its easy to forget that you just walked in from the streets of Dupont. If you’re looking for a place to grab a drink and a quick meal, Bistrot Du Coin delivers when it comes to the typical bistro favorites like pots of mussels and plates of steak frites. Which leads me to the frites — totally addictive, and the shining star of the entire meal.

Hot, crisp and perfectly salted … Du Coin doesn’t mess around when it comes to the frites. Try them with a side of the house’s homemade mayo if you really wanna get serious. In addition to the frites, I got a small order of the Moules Mariniéres (a simple preparation of mussels steamed in white wine, with onions, shallots and parsley), and my friend got the Moules Roquefort (mussels in a creamy Roquefort sauce). At $8.25 for a small order of around 15-20 medium-sized mussels, this meal was easy on the wallet and totally worth the noise and intimate (read: super-close) set-up of the tables. It also helped me ignore the creepy oversized Santa doll that guards the entryway and row of plushy snowmen above the coat rack (in April).

We went at kind of an off time (6:30 pm on a Sunday night … a dining time usually reserved for senior citizens and children under the age of 6) and didn’t have to wait for a table, but by the time we left dinner it was a crowded and boisterous scene with great people watching. They also have some pretty good deals if you want to drink wine by the glass, at anywhere between $5-8 for whatever the house wines are that night. However, the glasses are pretty tiny and if you’re not dining alone you’re probably better off just getting a half bottle or carafe. Since we were having mussels, I had a Hoengaarden (a Belgian white beer) which was pretty good but definitely came in a wimpy glass for the $6.50 price tag.

Overall, because of its convenient location I would probably put Bistrot Du Coin on my list of regular dives for impromptu dining but wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way if it required a trek, unless you are planning on having a dinner of frites with a side of mayo … then by all means, trek.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 6

All the Top Chefs are shaken up from last night’s elimination because obvs talentless Spike was the better candidate to go home, but Zoi’s seasoning snafu was enough for her to get the boot. Spike thinks people are threatened by him (and his hats — AHHHH!!) and isn’t surprised that all the other cheftestants have been gossiping about him. Lisa doesn’t want confrontations in this competition (ha!) and confronts Dale about their amazing blowout from last week’s episode. She wants him to come to her if he has a problem because they need to be civil if they are going to be living together in the same house. Clearly, Lisa has never lived in a sorority house. It’s possible that Dale has, as he takes a page out of the Mean Girls handbook and gives Lisa a backhanded apology. Dale is sorry. Sorry that Lisa is such a negative bitch. Lisa says Dale can eff himself as far as she’s concerned. Rawr. The claws are out already and I’ve been watching for approximately 2 minutes.

Bro Sodas

I doubt that this episode can be better than last week’s but am excited at the level of bitchiness this early in the show. Then we get to the Quickfire Challenge and I see beer, glorious beer!! Padma and the guest judge, Koren Grieveson (of Avec) are standing behind 16 pitchers of beer. It reminds me of Dollar Pitcher night and I feel a familiar pang of nostalgia for college life. She announces this week’s Quickfire Challege is to create a simple dish that can pair perfectly with beer. The chefs are instructed to taste 3 beers before choosing one. A choice quote from Bravo’s Burning Questions Blog, epitomizes why we all love Dale:

“For me the most important part of conquering the beer challenge was my massive hangover from the night before. At that point the last thing i wanted to do was drink beer, but like at work you got to man up and get the job done.”

I’m glad that they all get hammered in the holding room before Judges’ Table, which could explain why there have been so many awesome blowouts this season and the use of the f-bomb has grown exponentially from in the past 3 years.

Richard II is still reeling from Zoi’s elimination and is cooking with a newfound passion. She wants to do well in the competition for her lady love. All the emotion seems to be helping, as her Shrimp & Scallop Beignets earn her the top spot and immunity in this week’s Elimination Challenge. Richard and Stephanie join her to round out the Quickfire’s Top 3. Koren’s least favorite dishes belong to Nikki, Spike (shocker) and Dale. Lisa gloats over Dale’s uncharacteristic stint in the Bottom 3 because she’s an annoying whore. Spike sarcastically cheers for lesbians after Richard II’s win and joins Lisa on her bitter bandwagon.

Padma announces the Elimination Challenge is to cook at a tailgate for Chicago Bears fans, and I get pumped again because I LOVE tailgating. Except I went to a Big 10 school and tailgating did not involve cooking, and consisted of chugging/funneling/shotgunning cheap beer and the only food you ate came from the hot dog vendors outside the stadium or things you could buy on your Mcard. At the football game you stood in the student section on the bleachers, which seemed to rock beneath your feet (much like trying to stand up in a canoe), trying not to vom up the aforementioned snacks.

The cheftestants head to Whole Foods to shop for ingredients and Dale is feeling confident because he is a Chicago native who loves sports and tailgating. Not surprisingly, Richard the Nerd has never been to a tailgate and has no idea what to cook. While everyone else is being a considerate human, Spike runs over a grandma with a walker and runs like a girl to the meat counter so that he can buy up all the chicken wings, which is the most obvious tailgating dish ever. Ryan declares his metrosexualness and admits to being more fashion and dancing than beer and sports. I knew he was too cute to like girls.

Speaking of questionable sexuality, in the next scene Mark and Spike are in the (hot) tub, poppin’ bubbly. Shockingly enough, none of the girls want to join them and Antonia thinks the bubbles and Korbel reek of bad porn.

The next morning, the cheftestants are off to Chicago’s Soldier Field to cook for the big game. After last night’s Brokeback Bathroom shenanigans, Mark needs to prove his manhood. He brags about his testicular fortitude and is the only REAL MAN (read: idiot) to choose a charcoal grill at the tailgate.

The Annexation of Puerto Rico

Stephanie
Elimination Dish: pork tenderloin with bacon, potato and pear salad
Game Highlight: Called Ryan a full-of-shit schmoozer guy and announced that she wasn’t there to be pretty pansy like him.

Dale
Elimination Dish: baby back ribs marinated in tandoori, potato salad with raisins and mango
Game Highlight: Gawked like a little boy when he met famous Chicago Bears legends, Richard Dent, Gale Sayers and Refrigerator Perry.

Spike
Elimination Dish: jicama & pineapple slaw with lime dressing & fire spice chicken wings
Game Lowlight: Chose to employ the same gameplan from the Block Party challenge and win the crowd over with his “charisma,” but fails miserably because he’s a moron.

Antonia
Elimination Dish: jerk chicken sandwich with pickled onion, banana & pineapple
Game Highlight: Won points with the judges for taking a tropical twist on her Carribean-inspired chicken sandwich.

Ryan
Elimination Dish: bread salad with marinated chicken; poached pear & brandy cocoa
Game Lowlight: Decided to serve the most ridiculous tailgating food that was both difficult to eat, and had the ability to turn the manliest Bears fan into a flaming homosexual upon eating.

Andrew
Elimination DIsh: glazed shrimp with potato parsnip puree, bacon & apple chutney
Game Highlight: Wore a helmet while he cooked because food is his game and he’s a tard.

Richard II
Elimination Dish: chicken marinated with harissa & quinoa tabouli
Game Highlight: Cooked a Greek-inspired dish for her girl, Zoi.

Nikki
Elimination Dish: sausage & peppers, grilled shrimp with hot sauce & spiced cider
Game Lowlight: Retardedly gave away all her food to the fans and didn’t save any peppers or onions for the judges.

Lisa
Elimination Dish: skirt steak with corn cake & salsa verde
Game Highlight: Beating her meat. Hmm … too easy.

Richard
Elimination Dish: pate melt with spicy mayo and pickled cucumber
Game Highlight: His “pat-tay melt” was slightly more hetero than Ryan’s dish.

Mark
Elimination Dish: chicken & scallion skewers with soy & onion glaze, new zealand corn chowder
Game Lowlight: Was a total disaster as he bumbled and spilled his way around the grilling station.

Stephanie, Antonia and Dale are announced as the Top 3 at the Judges’ Table after receiving the most praise from the fans at the tailgate. They loved Stephanie’s rosemary vinagrette and her combination of flavors. Antonia’s dish was praised for her use of banana and pineapple to compliment her chicken sandwich. Ultimately, Dale’s Tandoori-inspired ribs had the complexity and unique depth of flavor to win the Elimination Challenge. Eat it, Lisa.

           Fumblerooski                 I’m gonna score a Touchdown!

The crowd chose the offerings of Nikki, Mark and Ryan as their least favorite dishes. No one is surprised that Nikki is on the chopping block since she ran out of food and her sausage and pepper sandwiches were dry. The judges criticize the fact that she didn’t make her own sausage, even tho’ Richard the Wonder Boy made his own pate (which is basically the same thing sans casing) in the alotted time. Like the viewers and tailgaters, the judges are confused about Ryan’s dish choices. Who eats bread salad and poached pears at a TAILGATE? Clearly, Ryan did not go to a college that had sports or girls, but probably had a whole lot of “California flair.” Chef Tom thought the heavy sauce on Mark’s chicken skewers was unsuccessful along with his gritty New Zealand chowder. They also didn’t enjoy his shithole of a work station or his unsanitary serving tactics. (Double dipping the soup spoon! Ewwww!)

In the end, inappropriate dish choices and his overall crappy tasting food sent Ryan packing. I’m actually going to miss Ryan because he was cute, in a dumb puppy sort of way, but nonetheless entertaining. I would take his metroness over Spike’s magical hats any day.

A Snarky Top Chef Recap: Episode 5

The best part of this episode was clearly the end clip picked up off the cutting room floor and gloriously offered up for dessert to all of us hungry (rabid, even) Top Chef fans.  Whomever decided to put booze in the stewing room during judges’ table is my new hero.   Belligerence is totally my middle name.  Snarky Belligerence Chef.

This week’s Quickfire Challenge is an old Top Chef favorite: the blind taste test.  The chefs’ palates are put to the test when the contestants are asked to pick out the 15 high quality ingredients when put beside their low budget counterparts.  The ingredients ranged from uber-expensive caviar to low-grade maple syrup.  This Quickfire totally reminded me of the time my cousins made up a “club” and entry to said “club” was gained after potential club member ate something (prepared by Cool Kids Club, Membership: 2) while blindfolded.  Members argued that this ritual was necessary in order to prove “trust” and “blind faith” to the sisterhood.  I got in (albeit on a technicality since I barfed which was against the club charter or something) because I cried and my aunt made them.  Luckily, Antonia didn’t have to drink a mayo-shrimp paste-mango-tabasco milkshake (like I did) to get into her club (the Quickfire Challenge Winners Club).  Surprisingly, Stephanie’s palate is declared the worst even though she has won the most Elimination Challenges, so her taste buds must not be completely dead.

The chefs are asked to choose knives and are divided up into 4 teams inspired by the elements and Captain Planet (’cept on Captain Planet they called it Wind instead of Air and they taught viewers a lesson in environmental awareness not self-promoting douchebaggery).  Each team is instructed to make a first course dish inspired by the team element for the 80 guests at Chicago’s Celebrity Chef Meals on Wheels Fundraiser.    

The teams are given 15 minutes to conceptualize their dishes before they head off to Whole Foods to shop with their $500 budget.  Team Fire is effed.  They are all over the place and decide to wing it after realizing another team is using beef tenderloin.  Morale is low for Team Fire, as Dale and Stephanie throw out a ton of fiery ideas only to be shot down by whiny Lisa.  Dale doesn’t want to be obvious, and suggests they show how caliente they can be by preparing a spicy dish.  Lisa hates everything and everyone.  I’m waiting with bated breath for Dale to go ballistic on her ass, but am forced to wait a little longer. 

By Your Powers Combined, I am

 
Team Earth
Members: Antonia, Spike, Zoi
Elimination Dish: Beef Carpaccio with Mushroom Salad and Sunchoke Aioli

Team Fire
Members: Dale, Lisa, Stephanie
Elimination Dish: Grilled Shrimp with Pickled Chili Salad, Deviled Aioli, and Miso-Smoked Bacon

Team Air
Members: Jennifer, Nikki, Ryan
Elimination Dish: Duck Breast with Citrus Salad and Shot of Pomogranate Prosecco

Team Water
Members: Andrew, Mark, Richard
Elimination Dish: Salmon Sous Vide with Parsnip Vanilla Sauce

I was confused by alot of the teams’ choices and how they interpreted their assigned elements.  Seriously, Team Air?  Let’s cook duck because they can flyyy … in the AIR!!  Wheeee!!  And prosecco has bubbles!  How airy!!  I mean, Team Airhead was headed up by Ryan (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) and Richard II, who has more lift in her hairstyle than in her cooking abilities but I was still so underwhelmed.  I won’t even talk about how Richard’s head exploded when he connected all the dots and came up with the idea to cook fish in water.  Genius!!

One team that was on point, surprisingly ended up being Team Fire.  The judges loved their spicy shrimp, which was hot but not too hot for a first course.  In an even more shocking turn of events, LISA is declared the winner.  I’m with Dale, she made effing bacon.  Dale should have won because the dish was his idea, and also because he managed not to butcher Lisa beside the meat counter (see what I did there?  Butcher like the guy who cuts the meat!! Wheeee!! I’m so clever like Ryan and Richard.)  Even though guest judge, Ming Tsai, claims the bacon is what made the dish, I’m calling BS like the rest of the world.  Lisa sucks.

Boo Earth.                                             Yay Fire!

Needless to say, the judges are equally dumbfounded by some of the team choices and berate the bottom 2 teams, Earth and Water, for missing the mark.  Chef Tom isn’t a fan of Team Water’s salmon sous vide which lacked texture and had scales (!!) or Team Earth’s underseasoned carpacchio.  The judges are unimpressed with Team Water’s sloppy preparation of ingredients and Team Earth’s bland dish and unearthy ingredients.  Team Earth’s carpaccio is flavorless sans the assload of rosemary that Zoi threw in with her mushrooms which the judges are totally not feeling. 

In the end, Zoi is asked to pack her knives even though Tom Colicchio wishes he could send Spike home too for being a complacent moron.  Ughh, Spike has been in the bottom for the past 3 episodes and is saved each time because someone is always just a little crappier than him.  He is like Ann from ANTM except Ann didn’t have hideous hats and look like a used car salesman.  After a sweet goodbye between Richard II and Zoi (see, I do have a heart) and a nice shot of Zoi packing her knives, the real fun begins!

Bravo abruptly cuts to a clip of the holding room, where everyone is going caaahhh-raaaazzzyy [fast forward to 4:17 in the video].  Spike has a tantrum like a small child and lashes out at Antonia for refusing to make soup.  Antonia wants him to STAND BEHIND [HIS] DISH and (correctly) points out that she did say she would make soup if thats what the team wanted.  Spike and his crazy hats suck.  Maybe his hats are what are saving him??  Like Bret Michaels’ bandannas and Dumbo’s red feather?!  Richard II is piiiisssseeed  that Spike threw her wifey under the bus, and Spike maturely tells her to “cry over it all night long.”  Then Dale calls out Spike’s “weak shit” and Lisa jumps down his throat for being an instigator.  I love Dale for defending Antonia from Spike’s dumb finger wagging and false accusations.  Also for what he does next, which is completely LOSE HIS SHIT on Lisa, while emphasizing his batshit craziness with a signature MJ crotch grab and karate chops.  Hiiii-yah! 

Sigh.  Aaaannnddd I’m spent.